my life... here and beyond

Maligaya na sila

2005-05-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

Marami or lahat sa mga kaibigan ko ay masaya.... BREAK NA KAMI...... sila, masaya, ako? HINDI......

Waiting in Vain

2005-04-26T05:54:00.000-07:00

Para kay Rommel to... ayoko ng hintayin ang pagmamahal nya, ayoko ng hintayin na magbago sya... ayoko ng masira ang ulo ko...

I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
Bob Marley

I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
FROM THE VERY FIRST TIME
I BLESSED MY EYES ON YOU GIRL
MY HEART SAYS FOLLOW THROUGH
BUT I KNOW NOW THAT I'M
WAY DOWN ON YOUR LINE
BUT THE WAITING FEEL IS FINE
SO DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A
PUPPET ON A STRING
'CAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DO MY THING
DON'T TALK TO ME AS
IF YOU THINK I'M DUMB
I WANNA KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE GONNA COME
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
'CAUSE SUMMER IS HERE
I'M STILL WAITING THERE
WINTER IS HERE
AND I'M STILL WAITING THERE
solo
LIKE I SAID
ITS BEEN THREE YEARS SINCE I'M
KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR
AND I STILL CAN KNOCK SOME MORE
OH GIRL OH GIRL
IS IT REASONABLE I WANNA KNOW NOW
FOR I TO KNOCK SOME MORE
YOU SEE
IN LIFE I KNOW
THERE'S LOTS OF GRIEF
BUT YOUR LOVE IS MY RELIEF
TEARS IN MY EYES burn
TEARS IN MY EYES burn
WHILE I'M WAITING WHILE
WHILE I'M WAITING FOR MY TURN
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN
ITS YOUR LOVE THAT I'M WAITING ON
ITS MY LOVE THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM
ITS YOUR LOVE THAT I'M WAITING ON
ITS MY LOVE THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM

brick....

2005-04-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

Pang-emote tong song na to, really like this song!

Brick
Ben Folds Five

6am, day after Christmas.
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold, car seat is freezing.
The world is sleeping, I am numb
Up the stairs, to her apartment, she is balled up on the couch.
Her Mum and Dad went down to Charlotte, they're not home to find us out.
And we drive.
Now that I have found someone,
I'm feeling more alone
Then I ever have before...
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly,
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere.
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly...
They call her name at 7:30,
I pace around the parking lot.
Then I walk down, to buy her flowers, and sell some gifts that I got.
Can't you see, It's not me you're dying for.
Now she's feeling more alone then she ever has before...
Chorus
As weeks went by, it showed that she was not fine.
They told me, "Son it's time to tell the truth".
She broke down, and I broke down, cause I was tired of lying.
Driving home, to her apartment, for the moment, we're alone.
She's alone, I'm alone, Now I know it...
Chorus

five whatevers

2005-04-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

I got this from Reich's blog:

FIVE DREAM JOBS~ lawyer... singer... forensic agent... news reporter... housewife (?)

FIVE FILMS I WATCH OVER AND OVER~ Titanic... 50 First Dates... Harry Potter... Lord of the Rings... Red Dragon..

SONGS I CAN LISTEN TO AGAIN AND AGAIN~ You'll Be Safe Here... Bilanggo... KLSP... Halaga... Ulan...

FIVE BOOKS I READ FROM COVER TO COVER ~ Mayfair Witches... Red Dragon... Penal Code of the Philippines... Harry Potter

FIVE REASONS TO WATCH TELEVISION ~ Since I am living alone, TV lang ang kaulayaw ko sa magdamag... It lulls me to sleep... May Game Ka na Ba... Extra Challenge... Will and Grace

FIVE PLACES I WANT TO VISIT~ Egypt... Greece... Paris... U.S... Mallorca, Spain

FIVE BANDS/SINGERS I LIKE~ RiverMaya... Garbage... Parokya ni Edgar... Mike Francis... Madonna

FIVE BEVERAGES ~ ice cold water... tang orange juice... green tea frap... coke... zesto orange

FIVE HOBBIES~ sleeping... watching movies... eating... cooking... thinking of crazy stuff

song ko at sa lahat na naniniwala that they are strong

2005-04-25T06:08:00.000-07:00

Strong
Robbie Williams

My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me
DadI've started to dress a bit like him
Early morning when I wake upI look like
Kiss but without the make upAnd that's a good line to take it to
The bridge
And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so beforeI'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song
My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies
Of easy lays
The pause button's broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don't need to know
And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so beforeI'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song
If I did it all again I'd be a nun
The rain was never cold when I was young
I'm still young we're still young
Life's too short to be afraid
Step inside the sunAnd you know and you know
Cos my life's a messAnd I'm trying to grow
And you know and you know

weekend spent in hell

2005-04-25T04:44:00.000-07:00

A lot of things happened during the weekend, I mean a lot! Saturday, Rommel went to my house. He was asking me if I do miss him, of course, I said no. Discoveries again... May dala kasing bag si Rommel that day. Ewan ko, talaga atang since naging kami, naging NBI agent ako. At first, I saw this communication radio on his bag together with 2 shirts. Yun yung radio na ginagamit ng mga security guard. Of course, hindi security guard si Rommel. Sa radio, there was this sticker wiht the company's name that he is working for: CONMECH. So, deadma na since dati ko pa nga nalaman that he has a job although ayaw nya talagang aminin. Here's the most painful thing. One of his girls, si Aydz, the one who's working as a caregiver sa Canada and pamangkin ng asawa ng tito nya sent him a greeting card. I took it. Yep, stole it from him. I know, invasion of privacy, theft, I could be sued for that, but the thing is he wouldn't be asking me where the card is since he is keeping it from me. Saka he trusts me a lot. There are 3 pictures enclosed sa card, 1 taken with a baby, 1 sa street sa Canada during winter, the other one was a 2x2 pic pero cutout lang. So here's what the card says:

Dearest Rommel,

Baby, I miss you a lot... wish you were here. I miss everything about you. I do hope na mag-work out ang relationship natin even if we were miles, miles away!

Just want to let you know that I had fun spending time with you. I'll always be here for you.

I cut the other pix coz my belly is out. Masyado yung liberated. It was taken before my vacation dyan sa 'Pinas. I'll send you more next time, ok?

Take care and God bless.

Aydz

At the other flap of the card, here's what's written:

Baby,

... you're in my thoughts- today and always!

I love you.

Baby

It was sent March 3 and he received it March 18 sa address nya sa Pampanga. My intitial reaction was, tangina, galit na galit ako kay Aydz. But after reading the card for a billion of times, napunit ko na nga yung card e, naawa ako sa kanya. I was thinking kasi ako nandito sa Pilipinas, not because Rommel and I can spend and is spending time together, but the thing is at least ako, kahit paano alam ko ang pinaggagagawa ni Rommel. Kasi based from what she wrote, it looks like asang-asa sya na sya lang and loyal sa kanya si Rommel. Goodluck na lang sa kanya! Eh kung ako nga na nandito sa Pilipinas, di pa kaya ni Rommel na magtino, sa kanya pa! At goodluck naman sa akin dahil baby din ang tawagan nila!

Ang sakit-sakit when I was reading the card. I know of her existence pero iba pala talaga ang feeling kapag may substantial evidence in your hands. Ang sabi Rommel sa akin before, gf nya daw si Aydz pero sa text and phone lang. Ha! Should I still believe that? To those who regularly check my blog, you can check her friendster account, search for Aydz Diaz and tell me what you think.

That was just an ordinary Saturday, pero super ramdam nya na talaga na I am starting to be cold to him, na napupuno na ako. He was extra sweet and caring. We also had a really serious conversation, one of the very few that we had. Here's our convo:

Rommel: 'be, thank you sa lahat ng ginagawa mo for me ha?

Des: Ok lang....

Rommel: Baka naman dumating yung time na isumbat mo sa akin lahat.

Des: Bakit ko naman isusumbat eh hindi naman ako ganun.

Rommel: Eh ano namang kapalit ng lahat ng yan?

Des: Hindi mo naman kayang ibigay ang gusto ko. Hindi mo naman kayang maging loyal sa akin eh. I just want you to be honest.

Rommel: Panong honest?

Des: Like if I ask you something, tell me the truth, just say yes or no.

Actually, may leeway pa nga eh. If magsisinungaling sya, just say yes or no. Don't make up any stories. Alam ko tanga ako pero hindi ako bobo. Nagyaya ngapala syang uminom eh I don't drink beer, so Gilbey's and orange juice kami. Eh hindi pala sya umiinom non. Dahil sa sama ng loob ko, ayun, nagpaka-lango ako sa alak, half of the big pitcher, naubos ko. Kaya eto, my body is full of rashes na naman!

Sunday morning, he is asking me to prepare breakfast, sabi ko baba na lang sya, sya na magluto. He said bakit ganun daw, di ko na sya inaasikaso. I told him that that would be the last day that we're gonna be together. Ayaw nyang pumayag, he said that he will be back next week. I asked him, what if I break up with him. Here's what he said:

Rommel: Syempre, iisipin ko kung anong nagawa ko sa yo (Good luck! Di mo pa din alam?), pag di mo na kasi ako pinapunta dito, pag wala ka, as if I'm missing a body part. Ayokong mawala ka sa akin.

During breakfast, I was fishing for some information. Here's the conversation:

Des: Kelan mo ba ko ile-let go? Ayoko kasi na ako ang magle-let go sa yo eh... (of course, I asked this to just fish for info)

Rommel: Naku, matagal pa yun.

Des: O?

Rommel: Kapag nag-asawa na ako, kasi ayaw mo naman na habang may asawa ako tayo pa din. Ayaw mo namang maging abay sa kasal ko. Pero ang pagiging ninang ng anak ko, yun ang di mo pwedeng tanggihan.

Tangina! Isama mo naman sana ako sa mga pangarap mo! Di ko alam if I wrote here na we were able to get a bulldog from an old classmate of mine. Sabi ko pag nabigay ko na sa kanya yun, we're over. That was supposed to be delivered Sunday morning, pero unfortunately the dog died. Ayun, depress-depressan sya ngayon, brat kasi yun, when you say something that you would do, you should do it.

That's what happened sa weekend ko. Kami pa din ba? Oo siguro. The reason why I couldn't let go of him yet is gusto ko talaga yung wala na akong feelings for him, para wala ng what if's, yung before kami maghiwalay, naka-move on na ako. Para di na ako iiyak. Because of him, mahihirapan na akong magtiwala at magmahal ulit.

song ko ngayon...

2005-04-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

finally... di ko talaga mahanap sa internet ang lyrics ng bilanggo, so since may cd nun yung bestfriend ko, pinagtyagaan ko talagang isulat ang lyrics. here it goes...

Bilanggo

Rizal Underground

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Hanggang kailan pa ba magdaramdam

hanggang kailan pa ba masasaktan

Pag-isip sa yo, maging sa ganito at ganyan

Hanggang kailan pa ba maghihintay

Hindi ka ba nagsasawa Inday

Ang damdamin ko, kahit ganito katamlay

Tunay 'to 'bay

Bilanggo sa rehas na gawa ng uso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Patay sindi sa init at lamig

Maging ang patalim madadaig

Galos sa dibdib tattoo ng yong mukha sa balat

Nakailang ulit na hiwalay

Hindi pa rin matutong sumabay

Ang damdamin ko

Kahit ganito katamlay

Saka ng babay

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Bilanggo.... Bilanggo... Bilanggo....

wala pa ding kwenta

2005-04-22T02:34:00.000-07:00

i'm here at a computer rental sa may school. obviously, la pa ding trabaho kaya naglalamyerda pa din. inuman madalas kasama ang mga barkada. i received emails from the companies that i am applying for, kaya fully booked ako next week. sana naman di na puro interview lang, hopefully, i'll be signing a contract. tangina, bad trip ang buhay ko ngayon. excommunicated ako, my whole family is mad at me right now. akala kasi nila 1) i resigned sa PS out of whim 2) kaya ako hindi nakakapag-contribute sa house is because sinusustentuhan ko si rommel 3) they think na nakiki-pag live in ako kay rommel. bull crap lahat di ba? first of all, nag-resign ako sa PS kais i have very sound reasons, pero before i resigned, may back upo na na work. secone, pano ako makakapag-contribute sa expenses e la nga akong work at binubuhay lang ako ng mga brod ko sa frat ngayon? that is also the explanation kung bakit hindi ko sinusustentuhan si rommel at never will that happen. lastly, pano ako makikipag-live in sa isang gagong lalake? na baka minsan, pag-uwi ko sa bahay, baka may iba ng babae sa kwarto ko?

i am just so thankful for my friends, grabe! malas man ako sa career, sa family, sa lovelife, pero i always have my friends with me. sabi ni reich, i should kick rommel out of my system, yes friend, that will soon happen. eventually. i just want to make sure na kaya ko ng hiwalayan sya. kasi for me pag hiwalay, hiwalay na talaga. ayoko pa nung magkakabalikan pa kami, ayoko na ng nakipag-break ako tapos mamya, iiyak-iyak lang din ako. when it's over, it is really over with me.

may development naman. here are some of our conversations over the phone:

rommel: hi be...
des: hmmmm.... bakit?
rommel: miss mo ko? (tangina, pa-cute!)
des: eh bakit kita mami-miss (snickerimg..)
rommel: hindi nga?
des: tangina, hindi nga!

before, pag pupunta sya sa bahay pag saturday, gusto ko, friday pa lang nasa-bahay na sya. here's another phone convo, thursday night, which is kahapon pala:

rommel: be gusto mo bukas andyan na ko?
des: bahala ka...
rommel: di mo ba ko nami-miss?
des: tangina, hindi nga! sa saturday might, may inuman ang frat, sama ka.
rommel: wag na, sa bahay na lang tayo
des: e bakit dati pumayag ka na? bahala ka, basta aalis ako sa gabi
rommel: bakit ba? mas gusto mo pang makasama barkada mo?
des: talaga! bakit mo ba ayaw sumama?
rommel: baka ipabugbog mo ko, nararamdaman ko, napupuno ka na.
des: buti alam mo.

at least, ngayon, i let him feel that i am already fed up. malapit nang mag-end ang rommel chronicles....

2005-04-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

testi

2005-04-17T04:48:00.000-07:00

yung bestfriend kong si leah, ginawan ako ng testi, lyrics ng halaga ng parokya. napaka-fitting daw kasi sa katangahan ko. god, i am so thankful that i have a bestfriend like leah, 10 years na kami nyan! pag umiiyak ako, syempre about rommel, di ako tinitignan nyan, di daw kasi ako yun. kasi strong ako parati, pag nasasaktan ako, mas masakit daw sa kanya... hayyy.... eto lyrics ng halaga, namnamin... di ko kasi mahanap lyrics ng bilanggo ng rizal underground, yun kasi ang song for the moment ko...

Umiiyak ka na naman Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam Namumugtong mga mata Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa Sa problema na iyong pinapasan Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihanMay kwento kang pandrama na namanParang pang TV na walang katapusan Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyanHindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahanAng pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka Chorus:Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasamaIilang ulit palang kitang makitang masayaNaiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nyaSiguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyongTunay na halaga

wala pa din....

2005-04-17T03:53:00.000-07:00

wala pa ding nangyayari sa buhay ko, la pa ding work and everyday, nasusuklam na sa mga lalake. di na ko naniniwala sa fidelity (sa case ng mga lalake), well, i saw 5o first dates, i totally doubt that there is still a guy such as henry roth. eh kung lahat nga ng bodily functions ng babae e working 200%, si pa din kuntento yung guys, eh ganun pang may short term memory loss? eh di nagpyesta na ang boyfriend nun! bad trip nga pala ako sa meralco, my electric bill has gone up from P285.00 to P800.00! or baka may nakakakabit na jumper... that is yet to be discovered. leah went home na, nakakalungkot sa bahay, mag-isa lang ako. tangina, la na ngang pera, al pang work... or la kasin work kaya lang pera...haaaaayyyy.... sana grade 6 na lang ako ulit or high school para di ako namomoblema ng ganto....

tattoo...

2005-04-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

gusto ko na talagang magpa-tattoo. wala lang, lifetime dream ko lang. siguro para lang lumabas ang lahat ng agst sa katawan ko. nakapagpa-color na ko ngt hair (red), maayos na din ang kilay ko ngayon. tatoo na lang, mga tatlo. isa sa chest, isa sa may likod, isa sa lower back. angas.

so this is life

2005-04-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

hay naku, i'm totally in a wreck right now. like what was written on my previous blog, i am jobless. before leaving ps, i already passed eperformax and was scheduled for the training. i was hired as a verifier for gues what? EXPERIAN! well the job is pretty easy because we would just need to verify some info and stuff, plus for a change it is an outbound account. so there, kahit reyna ng katamaran e i went through 1 week of diction, intonation and enunciation training and i learned a lot, honestly. i aced the exams and voice recordings, came friday i didn't passed daw! FUCKER di ba? my batchmates are crying, so ironic kasi i remained cool. tangina, wala akong work! my batchmate was in the room when the american client came in, she heard that my trainer was forced to drop me off the list because... i came from experian! tangina, wouldn't that be an advantage? and it dawned to me that maybe is it because i know too much about the company. tangina di ba? bad trip talaga. fine, i don't care about the time that i spent kai keri lang, i enjoyed naman kasi my batchmates are so fun to be with and i learned a lot! pero the money that i spent during the training... bummer talaga!

anyway, about rommel, i'll be leaving him... soon! kasi here's what happened... he was at my house april 2. so his pants is at the other room, i was fixing it and his cellphone dropped off from the pocket. the last time that i checked his phone, naka-insert yung globe nya na sim and naka-sim lock yun, but this time yung sun ang gamit nya. so i was able to check out his phone. sa sent messages, i read this: (1st message) i miss you baby, i love you so much (2nd message) yah, luwas ako pero uwi din ako bukas, both were sent april 1. and putcha, those were not sent to me! i saved the number sa cell ko. his money were all scattered so i put them all in his wallet only to find out that on march 22 he pawned his ring at sampaloc! march 20 we were together and he said pauwi na sya ng pampanga! so what kind of a stupid person na sa sampaloc pa magsasangla... meaning nasa manila lang talaga sya. one more thing... he said that he still doesn't have a job. but when i fixed his bag, there is this letter that says... Engr. Aguirre, please make a bid for the following construction materials... dated April 1, 2005. FUCKER! di lang sya nasa manila, he has a job as well.

that night, i can not bear the fact that i am sleeping beside him, di ko na talaga maatim na he's hugging me while we were sleeping. usually, pag sunday, he goes home at around 5 pm, pero he said that he'll be going home early, around 8 am. dati pag uwi na sya, away na to, pinipilit kong wag na syang umuwi. but that sunday, i woke up at 6am, prepared na ang breakfast and didn't ask him when he will be coming back. that time, i only ate 1 piece of bread and coffee and yun lang ang kinain ko the whole sunday. and everything dawned to me. i'm always up for the effort that he is exerting, pero wala na lahat. meaningless na. dati plus factor that he calls me sa landline about 5 times a day considering that he's at "pampanga", pero la na sa kin yun. yung message pala, he sent that to aydz, yung isang girl nya na nasa canada. and lahat talaga ng aweet stuff that he does to me, la ng meaning, kasi naisip ko, ginagawa naman din nya yun sa iba e. that night, our dinner is tilapia nd pinaghihimay nya ko sa plate ko, wala ng kilig feeling, naiinis na lang ako. i cried so much, nakakainis kasi why does he have to lie to me? i mean i'll be happy that he already has a job, plus if nasa manila sya di naman ako mag-dedemand na magkita kami everyday!

bad trip kasi tanga na nga ako, lalo nya pa kong ginagawang tanga. my bestfriend stayed over my house for a the whole week, until now pala to share my pain and i really appreciate that. monday, just to confirm, i called their house at pampanga. i was able to talk to his mom, sabi ng mom nya lumuwas na daw ng manila that morning. i asked if may job na sya, she said yes. tangina talaga. i confronted him about this and he said that no, he's at pampanga and la pa din syang work, yeah, go on, convince me.

so why am i still holding on? i would be breaking up with him, pero di ko dapat biglain. dapat dahan dahan lang kasi magkakaron ako ng withdrawal syndrome, just like what happned to me and ia. what i am doing right now is lesser text messages , walang ganang kausap and cold shoulder, pansin nya nga yun e. sabi nya di nya daw akong kayang hiwalayan, maalaga daw kasi ako. whatever. i'll do it, slowly, but surely.

dami ko pang kwento, next post na lang.................

twisted life...

2005-04-11T02:34:00.000-07:00

wala... jobless, loveless. tangina, nothing seems to be going right with my life. i promise, i'll write a more extensive entry next time, lack of time lang kasi, basta to sum it all, my life is in a garbage bin right now... reich... contact info... cel. no. 09165653129, landline, 6578354.

come what may?

2005-03-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

Ay naku, ang hirap ng ganto! Since ang daming days na di ako naka-blog, ang dami tuloy nangyari, di ko alam how to start. First thing: I am endorsed na for termination, he he he... hu hu hu... I'm so scared! har har har! Sarcastic yun ha? Asar ako kay TM. When he gave my final written, of course, because of SAF. We didn't have any agreement, yung mga tipong 1 more absent and you're out. Tangina, when he talked to me bout the endorsement, he literally talked and never let me talk! He discussed the instances, call in ng absent ang half day? At yung kupal na yun, one time, nawalan ako ng boses at since ayaw nya kong ipag-process ng email, pinauwi nya ko. Ang gago, sinama pa yu sa SAF violation! I didn't violate anything coz he sent me home, if there's somebody who violated the SAF, it's him not me. Anyway, bahala syang panget na sya, kala nya takot ako sa kanya? Eh mi di ko nga ramdam ang presence nya as TL. Uunahan ko na sya, magfa-file na ko ng resignation, totohanan na ito. Kesa naman ma-terminate ako.

Sumasabog na naman ang utak ko ngayon, nangangatal na naman ang mga labi,para kasing isang kilong kape na ang naiinom ko pag restdays. Finals ko na mamya, kelangan pasok ulit ako sa DL para libre tuition fee next sem, 35thousand din yun. Di ko na alam, madalas na naman ang pag-atake ng pagiging crying lady dahil di ko na naman makabisado ang mga bagay tungkol sa rape, homicide, parricide at kung ano-ano pa! Super hate ko ang Obligations and Contracts! Buti na lang yung mga brod ko sa frat, maasahan, mas masisipag gumawa ng reviewer.
The past few days, Leah slept over my house, super saya talaga! We talked about our high school days and kung gano kasimple buhay namin. I have a book, this thing called "If Questions for Teens", we're not teens anymore but the questions are so cool. There's one question about love that made me cry. Leah is not looking at me, saying that she does not want to see me cry. She knows me as a really brave person, kaya panibago sa kanya ang umiiyak ako because of a guy.

At that point kasi, naawa ako sa sarili ko. I did everything, even the things that I wouldn't do ever in my whole life, I did for Rommel. My really close friends knows this. I wouldn't change myself or do unbelievable things unless I believe that it is so worth it or unless I really love that person. Honestly, I am happy right now. I could really see that may development kay Rommel. Di ko nakikita kung ano ang gusto kng makita, I can really see that he is changing now. Pero, surprisingly, I can not see myself living with him, or being his wife. Wala kasing peace of mind. I would always be worried na baka mangbabae na naman sya and ayoko ng ganong feeling, ang panget. So why am I staying in this "relationship"? Kasi masaya ako. Wala naman ibang nanliligaw, so why should I deprive myself of happiness. One time, I read Reich's blog entry about her husband. She said that her husband loves her the only way that he knows. Same here, Rommel shows me that he cares and that I am important to him the only way that he knows.
One time, when he was at my house, I have this Love Oracle Cards kasi, which is kinda freaky kasi major totoo yung mga sinasabi and consistent pa. I asked him to ask a question, tanong ba naman nya "Makikita ko pa ba sya?" I know that he is referring to Rain, I know that hindi nya pa din nage-get over yun. Ang sakit pakinggan, pero I understand him. Anong sabi nung cards sa kin? I asked if there would be a positive result regarding my sacrifices, if magiging serious na ba sya sa akin and if eventually we'll end up together. Iisa lang ang parating lumalabas na sagot: I should be patient and understanding. I am not completely relying on those cards, but, it's still something to think about.

Anyway, I already got rid of my long hair. I had a major hair cut. The almost waist long hair that I have is now just around 2 inches below my ear. Kakatawa nga yung bading na nag-gupit sa kin kasi he asked me thrice if I am really decided to have it cut. I said yes 4 times. Before kasi sabi ko, I wouldn't cut my hair unless I've already gotten over my ex. Well, I'm so over my ex.
Sarap mag-beach, la nga lang pera. Ano kaya talaga ang mangyayari sa life ko?

guess who's back...

2005-03-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have been an absentee blogger for such a long time. Bad trip kasi lately, sang milyon ang queue sa CS at di ako makasaingit ng what I call "my blog time". Ang dami ng nangyari sa life ko lately, so nakakatamad ng i-continue yung past blog ko. Anyway, almost 1 month na ko sa new house ko. The first week, geez, para akong tanga, naiiyak ako. As if di ako living away from my family for 2 years now. Well, my mom sleeps over my house, kasi nga first time na talagang alone ako sa house. Siguro naka-add din sa aking loneliness eh dahil sa first two days and first night ko dun eh kasama ko si Rommel, so maninibago talaga ako. It's not that di ako sanay mag-isa, pero the house is big for me. Rommel has really been extra sweet lately. Anyway, wag muna tungkol sa kanya. Almost one month na ko sa new house ko, and it's really fun. Nakabili na din ako ng tv ko so hindi lang cellphone, clothes, watches, at ang aking ever precious sandwich maker, ang tanging appliance na nabili ko (dati!) with my call center earnings. I have to sacrifice a lot coz I have lots of bills to pay, the rent, the electric bill, water bill, phone bill and of course my food. Ngayon, di na ko pwedeng magbukas ng iba't ibang bath soaps and use them depending on my mood, wala ng Chef D'Angelo after shifts, shampoo and conditioner? Sachets na lang, gone are the days that I could easily pour them from a bottle. Ngayon, kelangan ko pang guntingin ang mga sachet bago makaligo.

Last week, nasa SM Makati kami ng batchmate-friend-ka-team sa CS-at kapangalan na si Des. I was tightly shutting my eyes kasi I could see lots of clothes that I really want to buy. I saw this really cool Guess pants and I was like, oh my God, I can't buy that anymore. Unless I get a really high paying job or I get a DOM, he he he =) I have to sacrifice a lot, like buying new shoes, bags, watches, and other stuff. My favorite Kenzo Flower perfume is now substituted by Johnson's Baby Cologne Powder Mist. But then again, this is MY CHOICE and I am going to get through, ako pa!

On to my Rommel entry, last week, he slept over my house. My bestfriend Leah was still there when he arrived, it was actually my bestfriend's chance to meet him. Leah does not really like him, well, who would? Me, of course, he he he... I cooked for him as usual, his favorite and his request, sinigang na sugpo. He was so sweet and I was really shocked with the way he acted around Leah. Kasi when we are together and when we're eating, sya yung naglalagay ng food sa plate ko. Kahit andun si Leah, he still does that. He still makes me finish my food and we still drink in one glass. Leah does not really like him at all, but when she saw that he's so sweet, she texted me saying that he's so okay. Super sumakit yung head ko, so we were at the sala, he was sitting, my head is resting on his lap. Grabe, he was so sweet! He was massaging my head, he also held an ice pack on my forehead. Sabi nga ni Leah, she felt like she's my younger sister, yung tipong yung ate mo e may boyfriend at nandun sya sa bahay.

Ang pinaka-highlight talaga nung days na yun would be... walang nangyari sa amin. I mean, yeah, we didn't have sex. At first I was kinda worried, thinking that maybe he does not like me anymore. But then again, I thought that it is actually a good thing. For Rommel not to have sex with me! We all kow guys, lalo na pag bumiyahe pa papuntang Manila na walang aasahan. So feeling ko nasa ibang level na kami nun! He's really been extra sweet, we cuddle and snuggle a lot. When we are sleeping, he would rub my back, when we sleep in the afternoon, he put a pillow above our faces, he would plant butterfly kisses on my nose. He doesn't kiss me that much before, but when we sit side by side, he plants little kisses on my cheeks. Then he would jokingly say "Halik ni Hudas yun 'be" Of course, since he is the President of Mr. Mystery Club, I have to decipher what that means. I was thinking that he was trying to cover up his mushiness coz he's not used to being like that.

I told him that I'm sorta getting tired of our set-up, kinda testing the waters. Dati, whenever I say that, deadma lang sya and sinasabi nya lang na kaw bahala, but when I said that to him, he was asking why (as if hindi obvious!) and di na daw ba ako masaya with him. Honestly, major development talaga, like before, he wouldn't say that he misses me but now, he does that all the time. He doesn't call do miss calls but he this time he does, and when I ask him what's wrong, he would just say that he misses me. I know that I might be worried once again, but I already adopted this philosophy to just enjoy the moment. I hope that moment would last for a long time...

bagong buhay.........

2005-02-24T18:07:00.000-08:00

My life has been out of circulation for quite some time now. Busy kasi so better
get ready for a really long blog entry . I'll just have subsections of the days that
I was not able to write para mas organized. By the way, I'm officially closing my
Rommel Chronicles, la kasing sense, almost everything I write about is all about
him.

Thursday....

After our shift, Minen and I checked out her place, and the house is pretty cool.
I'm really excited about moving in, that will be on Saturday. While I am talking to
Minen about the house, Rommel texted me, gamitin ko daw yung Sun ko then call
him. Since I was busy talking to her, Rommel texted me once again asking if may
landline ba dun, there is, so I gave him the number. He called, unang sabi pa niya
eh... "Ba't ka ganyan? Parang di ka na interesado sa kin?" I was shocked, pero keri
lang. He asked about the specifics of the house, like if may tiles ba, how big are
the rooms, engineering stuff.

Friday.....

It was Jaycee's birthday. I was not finished packing my things, I realized,
sobrang dami ko na palang gamit. My mom and I are having troubles finding a
vehicle where I could load up all my stuff, kasi yung sasakyan sa bahay, ginamit
ng officemate ng tito ko. When I oved in sa San Juan 2 years ago, I only have a
few stuff na nagkasya sa cab, but now, grabe, I could fill up a jeep! Jaycee
texted me, asking me to go to Glorietta for his birthday. I bought him a CareBears
stuffed keychain, yung pareho naming gusto, si GoodLuck Bear. I was running late,
when I arrived at our meeting place, andun na si Nikki and Dandee, as well as
Jaycee of course. Putcha, di pala treat ni Jaycee! Tapos, punta kami ng
SuperBowl. We're aslo waiting for Jaycee's high school friends, a gay couple. I
feel like I'm Maricel Soriano, being surrounded by gay friends. But they are
funnny, witty, nice people. We ate a lot of food, it was som much fun coz I really
missed these people. When Jaycee's friends arrived, Jaycee finally gave in and
paid the bill. Nikki, Dandee and I rode the cab together, we dropped off Dandee
at Shaw Blvd, Nikki and I went home, well separately of course. It was a fun day.

Saturday....

The Day....Moving out of helll....Welcome heaven! Woke up really early to finish packing my stuff. My mom, Tito Duds and my bother arrived with a jeep. All of them are really
pised off because I have lots of things. So, we went to Pasig and as what I
expected, we got lost. But then again, we arrived at our destination. Inayos na
namin lahat ng gamit ko, I was really excited, but also tired. I cleaned up the
house, the CR and my bedroom. This is also the day that Rommel would be coming
over. At 6pm, we met at Galleria coz we're gonna do some grocery. We bought a
lot, ayaw nya ngang mag-cart so basket yung bitbit nya, e sa dami ng binili namin,
napilitan na syang mag-cart. I heard him murmuring, saying "Mom ko, di
pinapagawa sa akin to" and I was just laughing to myself. When we arrived at my
house, we had dinner and some usual stuff that we do. Sarap pala ng feeling when
you're with someone you love in a very unguarded moment since kaming dalawa
lang sa house. I cooked for him at syempre magaling akong magluto so bilib na
naman sya sa kin. Wifey talaga, he he he.... super daming sweet moments talaga.
During that day, di ko na nga lang inisip na meron syang ibang girls, para di
ma-spoil yung moment. That night, I saw messages on his cellphone, daming girls na
naman. Nawala na nga si Claire, meron namang Aydz (I searched for her sa
Friendster, chaka talaga! She's a caregiver sa Canada... ho hum...), merong Jane,
basta, 4 na girls yun. So, five na kami. Hay.... That night, nag-iinarte na nga ako,
tampo-tampo ever, bato-bato ng unan sa wall. Inis talaga ako nun. He asked me if
may problema daw ba dahil super sungit ko nun, I said, wala. Pero that night,
sinumpong na naman sya ng pagiging sweet nya. We were listening to my CD and
pareho pala naming favorite yung "You'll Be Safe Here" of RiverMaya. It's not
that nagpapa-cute ako or something pero just for conversation's sake, I told him
that once I told Nikki that if a guy would actually sing that song for me, I'll marry
that guy tomorrow. And Rommel was like "Grabe ka naman, 'be" And I was thinking, naku, baka isipin nya nag OA ko. And then Rommel said... "Eh di ko nga kabisado lyrics nyan eh..." Major aaawww (Reich, pwede ka ng kiligin!) So if kabisado nya yung lyrics, he would sing that for me. Another cute thing, well, some people might not find this cute, but since he was not able to bring his clothes, he wore my tshirt and shorts, he even askde me to shave his 2-day old stuble. But of course, may dark side na naman ang story ko.... To be continued..........

Rommel Chronicles3

2005-02-15T18:20:00.000-08:00

I know that I said that I wouldn't be writing about Rommel, but what the heck. Consider this as one of the Rommel Chronicles. He's really turned into a mushy person lately. Well, utang ko to sa pagsabog ng bus sa Ayala. He was the one who texted me about the bombing at Ayala. Tinanong nya ko if I pass by that road and if I ride the bus. Deadma! Kahit hindi ako dumadaan dun eh, sinasabi ko na dumadaan ako dun, pa-effect lang ba. Kaya ngayon, tinatanong nya tuloy ako if nakauwi na ba ako and if nakauwi na ba ako eh I should text him.

Also, after he said that close friend nya daw ako, he never says I love you anymore and he's not texting that to me. Pero lately, he's been texting me I love you's and this time nagtetext din sya nung "mwah". I even told him not to say I love you if he does not mean it. One time, he was so drunk, he texted I love you a couple of times. They say that when a guy is drunk, he is more sincere and that he lets his guard down. So does that mean that he means what he says? I also know that guys do the craziest stuff when they are drunk. So what's the real score.

I am feling guilty today. At around 10pm, he called me and asked me if I am going to work, I said yes of course. He said that he's right here at Manila coz his aunt ask him to come. And I was like, geez! Mag-absent na daw ako and I said that I really have to go to work reminding him that I already have a final written warning. I was really on the verge of calling forcedesk, yun nga lang, I still have to go to work coz I need a job lalo na ngayon na maglilipat pa ako ng bahay.

One time, Rommel and I are talking over the phone. I was about to hang up, but he's not putting the phone down. I asked him why does he wanna hang up and asked him why. Sabi ko pa, "May hinihintay ka ba na sasabihin ko? Are you waiting for me to say I love you?" (eto na naman at nag-morph ako sa pgiging NBI agent). And he replied, "Syempre, kahit paano....", I didn't let him finish his sentnce and said I love you. He said I love you too. Was my prayer answered?

Nikki... tribute ko sa yo

2005-02-15T12:15:00.000-08:00

Naku, boses bakla ako today (no pun intended!). My voice is so nasal and I so hate it! 4th day na kong pumapasok sa work, maybe that's why. Nikki went to the office this morning to file his resignation. When I saw him, I was on the verge of crying. It's really sad that one of your closest friends would be leaving the company. Sad, sad, sad. Des and I waited for Nikki and accompanied him sa Philam to process his resignation. Sad talaga, potah! Tagal naming naging friends nito, akala ko masungit, well, masungit talaga, pero syempre friend nya ko kaya nagsusungitan kami. =)

I remember those times nung teammates pa kami at andun kami nakaupo dun sa isolated area sa 29th. Kain kami ng kain, yung trash can namin, puno ng basura ng mga pagkain namin at kadiri dahil nagkakaron pa ng fruit flies sa station namin!

We talk about childhood stuff like we grew up together. When we hear old songs, alam kaagad namin kung anong grade kami nung elementary or kung anong year kami nung high school nung nauso nun, as if we came from the same school (from Lourdes sya, St. Joseph naman ako, parehong Franciscans). Trip din naming pag-usapan ang movies, expression nung panahon namin, mga taong epal, kupal, makapal, salitang balbal at kung ano-ano pa! Favorite namin ang Pringles at Piknik, pero na-addict kami talaga sa Clover Chips! Color yellow na nga madalas mga daliri namin.

Every Sunday naman, nung uso pa ang email processing at la pang email team, madalas, pinag-eemail kami ni Step. Major chikahan, complete with sounds kasi dati, pwede pa ding magdala ng cd's. We like the same kind of music, we like Madonna. At dahil dun kami sa isolated stations nakaupo, we can do evrything that we want, we even put customers on hold to doze off a bit!

Masarap kausap yan si Nikki pagdating sa okrayan. Enjoy kasama pag lafangan. Too bad, nalipat din sya ng team, but we still see each other, nung nasa retention ako, pag break and lunch. Kahit nung nalipat ako sa CS, we don't follow our luch sked, together with Jaycee at mega-McDo kami. We also go out pag restdays, pero lately, di na din ako nakakasama kasi busy-busyhan sa school.

God, I'll really miss Nikki. He's the person that you can talk to about everything under the sun...er... in our case. moon and stars. Nikki is an intelligent person, he is never judgmental. He'll take you for who you are and still love you. He accepts my stupidity and hard headedness. Teaches me lots of stuff, stuff that only Nikki and I should know. *evil wink*

Nikki is like a sister (?) that I never had. My confidant, my chika friend, my lafang friend, mall friend, movie friend... basta, my really really good friend. We are the bitches of the 29th floor and without Nikki, things will never be the same again.

Bye my friend... You'll be in greener pastures... You're so lucky! Always keep in touch. Love you girl!

dear diary... la na kong maisip na title eh!

2005-02-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

Putik, na-addict na nga ata ako sa blogging. Wala namang masama eh. Dami kong troubles right now, pero happy ako. I'm such a freak... Three days in a row na ko pumapasok sa office, congratulate me! Dahil dyan sa final written warning na yan, I'm forced to go to work everyday. I know that that is my responsibility, but what's the sense of having the words "ABSENT" or "CALL IN" if you're not going to materialize it. It's my right to be absent, yun nga lang, the company has every right to terminate me. Di naman ako takot sa termination, yun nga lang, I should have a job before I could be terminated. Anyway, yung trouble ko. My friends know that I'm living with Karen's (my college bestfriend) grandmother. Super close ako sa family nya and dun sa Lola nya. Since matanda na yun, most of the time, she misplaces stuff, like golden rings, money, wallet, important stuff. Since dalawa lang kami dun sa house, malamang, ako ang pagbibintangan. I don't blame her and her family for thinking that way, it's just natural. The thing is, the feeling is just so ugly. Pwede mo kong pagbintangan na mang-aagaw ng boyfriend, nag-cheat sa exams, at lahat ng sinabi ko sa buhay ko ay pawang kathang isip lamang, pero putcha, di ako mangdurugas! That idea is just so absurd! So, here's the deal. Minen has a house, but she's not living there coz she's living with her sister. She said that I could rent her place. I really, really felt bad that I do wanna move out of my house this week, most probably on Friday. I already talked to my mom about this. Before I moved in to my current house, sinabi na ni Mama yun, of course, I'm hard headed. My mom told me to move out and get a new house. Sobrang okay nga kay Mama, I mean, di nya ko pinapauwi sa amin. Not that they don't want me there, it's just that my mom understands that I really love my independence at dahil 2 years na kong living alone, since I graduated from college, magiging mahirap ang transition if I return to our house. Excited na talaga ako, like this is MAJOR INDEPENDENCE.... Yun nga lang big big responsibility din to. Budget and stuff. Basta kaya ko to! The house has two rooms, I might be looking for a housemate para may kahati sa expenses. I'm asking Nikki if he wants to join me, he said he'll still think about it, monetary din yung reason. Meron daw pinasabog na bus today, Abu Sayyaf daw ang may gawa. Gusto ko pa naman sanang mag-bus today dahil taxi girl ako e, para makatipid. Buti na lang, 12 am ang shift ko, nakakatakot nito pag uwi ko. It's just so funny, kasi si Rommel pa ang nag-inform sa kin and asked me where I was, family ko, dineadma ako! I just think na they have so much confidence na I'll always be alright, minsan, nakakainis na! =) Di ko alam kung talgang confident lang sila sa kin or they don't care na. Sabi nga pala ni Nikki, wala na daw si Ipis, confirmed na nga kasi narinig ko transferred na daw sya sa Cendant. Oh well, kaya pala di ako na-transfer dun... he he he.... At least nabawasan ang mga bantamweight ipis dito! Irita talaga ako sa bitch na yun! I'll be sending my resume to other companies, since I'll be renting a house, I need more money! I'll be applying sa British Council, mukhang malaki ang salary dun, kais naman dati I was supposed to apply sa Australian Embassy, sa sobrang busy ko, di ko na nagawa. Correction pala, di daw ako stupid sabi ni Reich, hard headed lang... La muna siguro akong isusulat tungkol kay Rommel, nagsasawa na ko ng kakasulat tungkol sa kanya, basta sana next time na may isusulat ako about him, good news na at di na close friend ang status ko. he he he.... Sayang, P38,000.00 ang sweldo nun. Three days in a row na kong pumapasok... tired na ko....

Valentines.....

2005-02-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Dahil la akong oras mag-blog today, just passing by to say Happy Valentines, sana, happy talaga!

Rommel Chronicles2

2005-02-12T16:24:00.000-08:00

Another installment for my Rommel Chronicles. Nasa taxi ako kagabi, on my way to the
office, the comments of my friends are swimming on my head, iba-ibang comments. May
nakakatuwa, may ego booster, may sobrang totoo na napapa-isip talaga ako. Here are some of them:

Alfie (take note... bading ito): Des, wala syang b---g! Mas may b----g pa ko dyan e!
Des D. (pareho ko ding martir): Des, isa syang malaking taong etits!
Leah: Eh praning pala yan eh! Abnormal....
May commitment phobia yan
Des, iwanan mo na.(Later on, eto ang sabi nya, refuting herself)
Des, baka talagang confused pa din yan sa feelings nya sa yo.
Nikki: Girl, he's a jerk. Dump him.
Chad: natural, ang trademark nyang AAAAHHHH!!!
Karen: Ewan ko ba sa yo... Pipili ka lang ng kapalit ganyan pa...
Jaycee: silence... expected from Jaycee
Reich: Sabi ni Reich, stupid daw ako eh...

Nagsasabi na naman sya ng "I Love you" after making it clear to him that he should not say that unless he means it. Does that mean that he does mean it? He's still calling me everyday, minsan paglalabas pa sya ng bahay, like if magba-basketball sya, or kung iinom with his friends. I don't get it, why he does that if we're not in a relationship. Kagabi, nung nag-iinuman sila ng mga barkada nya, after the spree, he even called me to say that he's home na. He really confuses me. Sabi kasi ni Des, yun na daw yun e, as in girlfriend nya na daw ako, dahil lang sa na-trauma na sya kaya ayaw nya ng i-confirm pa. I don't know. Basta, kung ano man ang meron kami ngayon, yun na yun. Ang weird, it's so not me to stay in this kind of relationship-status-state-whatever. He's still calling me everyday, sa landline and cellphone. I asked him if nasa Manila ba sya kasi ang gastos ng long distance calls. And here's what he said... This girl Ayds yung name, has been giving him phone cards. I asked why, sabi nya it's because this girl wants him to call her. I asked kung taga-Manila yung girl, taga-Olongapo daw. I asked why is she giving him a card, sabi nya, dahil daw sa natutuwa daw sa kanya tong girl na to. Tapos, sa kin naman nya gingamit yung card. Hay naku.... he really has a way with girls!

Forecast ng dalawang loka-loka

2005-02-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

Addict na ata ako sa blog. Lately kasi, talagang updatded ang blog ko. Di naman siguro addicted, may oras lang kasi to update. I was thinking and one of the good things that came up because of this Rommel thing is that I got reunited with my really cose friends way back in high school and found new friends who are giving me advice about my dillema. Leah and I met up on the 7th of Feb, she dropped by my house and hung around. Since Chinese New Year ek ek chuvanesh, for kicks, we amde a forecast for each other. And here's what she did for me:

1. Career growth> aalis ka sa PS kasi may mas mgandang opportunity sa ibang company... magiging TRAINER ka! (yehey......)
2.Papayat ka na Des! Yung ideal weight mo, maa-achieve mo na!
3. Mas lalo kang magiging COSMO Girl... he he he....
4. Matututo ka ng mag-tootoot.... (Gosh)
5. Dahil marunong ka na, eventually mag-eend relationship nyo ni Rommel (sorry! di ko talaga sya feel for you!)
6. Magkakaron ka na ng bagong love partner... for real na sya!
7.Super duper Rommel wants you back
8. Aayaw ka na talaga kay Rommel! Kasi, the "bigger, the better" yung isa.... he he he....
9.Magpapa-tattoo ka na
10.Dahil inspired ka, mag-aaral ka ng mabuti
11.Yayaman ka this year
12. Friends pa din tayo....

Magkatotoo kaya.... hmmmmm......

trashy....

2005-02-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

I feel like garbage today. Pagod talaga. Dito na naman ako sa wretched office na to, sasagot na naman sa mga potang Amerikano na kuha ng kuha ng service di naman marunong magbasa. Lapit na namang mag-Valentines. Feels so weird, ewan, never naman talaga kasing naging big deal ang Valentine's sa kin kahit na attached pa ko. Anyway.... inis talaga ako s isang taga-CS. I'll call her ipis. Kasi boses ipis sya, mukha syang ipis at I think, utak ipis din sya! Har har har.... Here are the details: So, the first time that I was moved right here at CS, I was introduced to Ipis by Chad. Kasi si Ipis, "law graduate"... whatever. She asked me where am I taking my law degree, syempre, ever loyal sa UST, I said na I had one year sa UST then now, I transferred to San Sebastian. And she was like: "Ay, ba't dun? Dapat nag-Lyceum ka!" Yeah right! Wala akong problema sa mga taga-Lyceum, nag-test nga ako dun eh, yun nga lang, she made me look like ang stupid ko kasi di ako nag-Lyceum at mas pinili kong mag-Baste! Hello! Ang yabang mo eh, wala ngang QPI dun, kahit 66% ata ang average mo eh matalino ka pa din at di ka pa din naki-kick out. Puta! Irita talaga tong ipis na to! She's so lud, like parang ina-announce nya everyday kung ano ang nangyari sa buhay nya like nung one time daw eh nasa parking lot daw sila ng bf nya, pinauna daw syang maglakad nung tipaklong nyang bf and she yelled with all her might that her bf said na ang ganda nyang maglakad. Pinangangalandakan din nya na bullimic sya. I am for freedom of expression, but hey, you also have the right to privacy. Eto pa, one time pumasok ito sa office na mukhang Grimace, mukhang Grimace dahil naka-suit na purple. She's whining that she looks weird kasi naka-corporate attire sya... whatever... she's just fishing for compliments. Potah, gusto kong sabihin or itanong na "Ngayon ka lang ba nakapag-suot ng suit? Ako kasi sawa na kasi yan ang suot ko araw-araw sa school." Eto pa, minsan, papasok sa office, tatanong sa lahat kung mukha ba syang haggard, para lang mapansin na mukha syang hag kasi sa review classes nya... hay naku, mga tao talaga! Kaya ang perception tuloy ng ibang tao sa lawyers at law students e mayayayabang. Sa totoo lang, etong si ipis, la pa naman syang maipagyayabang. In the first place, barrister pa lang sya, di pa sya nakakapag-bar. Ang ironic kasi pinangangalandakan nya na reviewee sya. So if di sya bumagsak ng bar or ng subjects nya, she should have taken the bar last September. I mean di ako nagmamagaling, baka one of these days e may ibagsak din akong subject, my point is, she should not be bragging about herself. Taking up law is something, I admit that. But that does not give you a license to brag. Ang tingin ko kasi dyan, doctor, engineer, teacher, abogado o kahit sino ka pa, wala kang karapatang ipagyabang yun. It's really just a matter of choice. Pinili mong mag-aral ng law, ang iba hindi. Yun lang yun. Iba-iba lang tayo ng ginusto sa buhay, iba ang gusto nila, iba ang sa yo, di mo maipagyayabang ang isang bagay na di naman gusto ng iba. Anyway... di ako nakapasok sa school kanina, 9am kasi pasok ko, I know na di na naman ako magigising so nagpagising ako kay Rommel when he called me last night. E lasing na yun, pero I still took my chance... ayun, dahil 3:30 na ko nakatulog sa kakabasa ng mga murder case (like merong binaril sa ulo, the killers ripped open his body and cooked his liver as their pulutan, his intestines were made necklace hung around the victim's brother... eeeew!), di din ako nagising on my own. At tinawagan ako nung magaling na lalake na yun ng 9am na! Gusto ko na ulit pumayat, I'm back to doing 150 crunches per day, I don't eat much right now. Gusto ko na talagang mabawasan ang weight ko sayang kasi yung clothes ko. Nung college, pag nagpupunta kami ng mall ng mga barkada ko, they let me try out clothes, pang-model pa kasi ang body ko nun (I swear! No kidding!) Lunch ko na, ang aga nakakainis... Ciao muna!

nakakaumay

2005-02-11T03:13:00.000-08:00

Totoo.... Nakakaumay na talagang mag-calls. Motivation to go to work? Di na nga pera eh... Friends... Yeah. Nikki would be leaving, si Dianne, Des, Minen, Chad, Roland, Mama Mels na lang ang andun. Sad. Feeling ko tuloy graduation day. Usap kami ni Rommel today, tuloy na ang date sa 19. Hay, gusto ko na ng ibang job, nag-submit na nga ako ng resumes eh. Nag-text si Rommel: Be,tnx sa lahat... Yeah, right. Di ko alam how to react. I do believe that he is sincere, pero kung nagsinungaling na kasi sayo ang isang tao, mahirap na ulit paniwalaan. Saw Fej yesterday, tumaba ang bakla. I miss the good old days sa Experian.... Hay....

Song of the moment

2005-02-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

You'll Be Safe HereRivermaya
You'll be safe hereRivermaya(words and music: rico blanco)
Nobody knowsJust why we're hereCould it be fateOr random circumstanceAt the right placeAt the right timeTwo roads intertwine
And if the universe conspiredTo meld our livesTo make usFuel and fireThen knowWhere ever you will beSo too shall i be
Chorus:
Close your eyesDry your tears'coz when nothing seems clearYou'll be safe here
From the sheer weightOf your doubts and fearsWeary heartYou'll be safe here
Remember how we laughedUntil we criedAt the most stupid thingsLike we were so highBut love was all that we were onWe belong
And though the world wouldNever understandThis unlikely unionAnd why it still standsSomeday we will be set free.Pray and believe
Chorus:
When the light disappearsAnd when this world's insincereYou'll be safe hereWhen nobody hears you screamI'll scream with youYou'll be safe here
Save your eyesFrom your tearsWhen everything's unclearYou'll be safe here
From the sheer weightOf your doubts and fearsWounded heart
When the light disappearsAnd when this world's insincereYou'll be safe here
When nobody hears you screamI'll scream with youYou'll be safe here
In my armsThrough the long cold nightSleep tightYou'll be safe here
When no one understandsI'll believeYou'll be safe,You'll be safeYou'll be safe herePut your heart in my handsYou'll be safe here

Rommel Chronicles1

2005-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

I'm back at the office, ang weird ng feeling, after being out of the office for 10 days! Hay naku, eto, answering machine na naman ako, pretending that I am an expert with credit reports, e credit card nga wala ako. The midterms week is one kind of a hell. Feeling ko, lahat ng liquid stuff sa katawan ko na-drain. Pero, it's actually good kasi some people say that pumayat daw ako. Well, yan ang nagagawa ng ambisyon kong kumita ng 20 thousand per hour, per client and magkaron ng acceptance fee na 100 thousand... he he he... Mukha talaga akong pera, pero at least I could say na pinaghihirapan ko to. Nakuha ko nga pala yung CD's na pina-burn ko, addicetd ako ngayon sa song ng SpongeCola, yung Crazy for You, remake of Madonna's. I really have this thing kasi about songs that were originally sung by girls, pero ni-revive ng guys na rock rock ang dating, ewan, nakaka-kilig kasi eh. Siguro dahil sa mas cheesy ang lyrics ng songs mg girls kasi, parang, tangna, pag kinantahan ako ng ganun, kasal na to bukas.Nikki will be leaving na, this time for real na to. La na din si Jaycee, Cendant na. Iniwan na ko ng soul sistahs ko... *sniff, sniff* Nikki, siguro it would be really difficult for me to find a gay-friend like Nikki, siguro I could consider him a s my bestfriend. As for me, gusto ko na ding mag-resign, but, I have to look for a job first, kais naman I'm living independently and paying for law school, no regrets naman pero it would feel heaven siguro if I could be dpendent once again. Masarap din maging independent, kahit kelan, I never depended on anybody... Yesterday was my batch's 1st year anniv at PS and I was issued a final written warning by Norvin. Yeah right... my knees are shaking... =)

Back to the Rommel Chronicles, yun nga, I felt like I'm such a loser when he said na close friends nga lang kami. I asked him why,he said that he can not say that I am his girlfriend because we both know that he is still seeing other girls. He said that it would be unfair to me if he would call me his girlfriend pero di exclusive. There, I got his point. And then I eralized, "girlfriend" is just a label, what is important is that if we do have an emotional connection. And we do, that I know and I am sure of. To understand him better, I asked him, why is he like that. Coz, he has this girlfriend, the girl's name is Rain, they were together for 3 years, and just when he was about to marry her, the girl chose her career and left for China. So, from then on, he never took girls seriously. I got it.... TRAUMA. With girls kasi, I think we can move on faster, pero would guys, the gravity is really heavy. I can not blame him for being like that, I know how he felt, you built your world around that person and then it just crumbled... bad bad bad... Sa totoo lang, naawa ako sa kanya, that really sucks big time. So, back to me being his close friend, sobrang loser talaga ng feeling ko nun. I felt like ako lang yung ganon sa earth. Then I read this article sa Cosmo and it says that meron pala talagang ganong klase ng guys, in this case, si Rommel, naging commitment phobic. So, what are we right now? Mag-M.U. siguro, if that actually exists. Di na nga ako problematic about him, I dunno. Plus, I wouldn't assume na boyfriend ko sya, hello! Sabi kasi ni Nikki, maybe the relationship was not defined. It was so defined! Confused talaga sya at nakakahawa ang confusion nya, kasi confused na din ako sa kanya. Sana talaga di na sya nag-eexert ng effort e, yung tipong deadma na lang at mahahalata mong nakikipaglaro lang sya sa yo. Pero hindi... ang gulo. Basta bahala na... He he he... Di na masyadong masakit kasi as bad as it sounds, it really started out as a rebound, and I could say na if I could make a breakdown, 65% I love him, 35% I'm just using him to get over my ex. Si Reich... sasakit na naman ang ulo nun sa kin, and I know that she is right, matigas nga ang ulo ko. May pagka-ilusyonada kasi ako, gusto kong maging kagaya ni Mandy Moore movie nyang SAVED, I don't wanna "save" him per se, I just have this thing kasi about changing poeple for good. Reich said that change mignt not be me, then let me be a part of his change. We will be seeing each other on the 19th, sigurado, I will be swayed by his sweetness an words, would treat me like a prncess and would make me feel that I am above the others. Maybe I am, maybe not. Am I happy? Definitely.

The Rommel Chronicles....

2005-02-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

I decided that I'll have this post named the Rommel chronicles here in my blog. Kasi most of the time, tungkol din sa kanya ang posts ko. Some stuff about me that happende this week. Here, midterms week at feeling ko any minute, mamamatay na ko. Grabe ang review, di nga ako pumapasok sa office pero para ding may shift ako dahil sa kaka-basa ng mga bribery, obligations at lahat pa ng kabaliwan ko. A lot of people are asking, may college degree ka na, bakit nagpapakaloka ka pa sa pag-aaral. Honestly, di ko alam. As geeky as this one sounds, masarap mag-aral. Inisip ko, mag-LOA ako, para makapahinga naman, pero di ko kaya, magkaka-withdrawal syndrome ako. About the ATP, ayun, pareho kaming di natanggap ni Nikki. Ako understandable, kasi nga dahil dyan sa pesteng written warning na yan, pero si Nikki, pwede na ngang maging sup yun, ayaw lang nya. Disappointed talaga ako, kasi naman, gusto ko na talagang malipat ng account. Regarding the written warning policy, di ko gets. Why would they hinder reps from transferring to other accounts because of that stupid warning, e lateral move lang naman yun. I would get it if mag-aaply ako ng sup or other level, pero naman! Rep to rep lang ang habol dito! Oo nga pala, Taglish na ang blog ko, nagsawa na ko sa kaka-English. English na nga sa office, sa school, pati dito ba naman? Anyway, matagal na tong nangyari, one or two weeks ago na ata,di ko lang naisulat dito kasi mahabang kwento. Tungkol kay Rommel (as the title says....) One time, sobrang aga at nagising ako ng tawag nya. Nangulit, na-bad trip ako, syempre, numero unong mahadera ako, inaway ko. Later that afternoon, I felt a pang of guilt. Naisip ko, "Des, anong problema mo, long distance yun, bakit mo inaway?" So, I called him at their house. The first time I called, ang sabi, wala daw, so akala ko, wala lang, as in lumabas or whatever. After a few minutes, I called again and mom nya nakasagot. At eto ang conversation namin:

Des: Good afternoon po, pwede po kay Rommel?

Mommy Aguirre: Ay wala e, sino to?

Des: Si Des po, thank you na lang po....

Mommy Aguirre: Teka, taga saan ka?

Des: Taga-Manila po.

Mommy Aguirre: Kasi nasa Manila si Rommel

(eto na, na-shock na si Des ng Manila)

Des: A ok, ang sabi nya po kasi andyan sya sa Pampanga.

Mommy Aguirre: Naku wala, one month na sya dun...

(umuusok na ang ilong ko nun!)

Mommy Aguirre: Alam mo ba contact number nya or address dun, nawala ko kasi phone number dun eh....

Des, naiiyak na: Hindi po eh, thank you na lang po.

Ang gagong yun! Napaka-sinungaling. Tangna, touched na touched pa naman ako at araw-araw kung mag-long distance eh di pala long distance! So eto ako, gulung-gulo ng biglang tumawag na naman. Advice ni Alfie, ang friend kong bading, deadma, wag paalam na may alam, quiet lang hanggang sa magtaka sya kung bakit di ko sinasagot mga tawag nya at di nagrereply sa mga text. So, tumawag nga. Di ko napigilan ang pagiging imbestigadora ko, eto ang conversation:

Rommel: Hello baby....

Des: Nasan ka?

Rommel: (alam kong nagloloko lang) Andito sa Q.C., puntahan na kita sa bahay

Des: Asan ka nga?

Rommel: Bakit nga?

Des: Basta... (mukha na kong Gremlin sa galit nito)

Rommel: Nasa Pampanga.

Des: Wala ka sa Pampanga, nasa Manila ka!

Rommel: Anong Manila?

Des: Naka-usap ko mommy mo, nasa Manila ka daw (at kinuwento ko na ang usapan namin ni Mommy Aguirre)

Des: Bakit ka nagsinungaling?

Rommel: Andito nga ako sa Pampanga pero di sa bahay namin, andito ako sa Angeles!

Des: Bakit di mo sinasabi?

Rommel: Bakit mo kelangang malaman?

Des: (hanep na sagot) E ano mo ba ako?

Rommel: Ano mo ba ako?

Des: Wag mong ibalik ang tanong...

(nag-pause ng matagal, parang nagdasal muna)

Rommel: CLOSE FRIEND

Des: (ay tangna!) Fine, close friend! What are we, Fucking Buddies?

Rommel: Di kita masabing girlfriend kasi alam mo namang I'm till seeing other girls, di ba?

(hysterical na ko....)

Des: You don't fuck your close friend!

Rommel: I'll explain it to you....

Des: Whatever!

Masalimuot no? To be continued...... (kukunin ko pa yung CD na pina-burn ko, baka sarado na yung shop), may part 2 pa ito.....

song...

2005-02-01T23:08:00.000-08:00

I was rummaging through my CD's one night and found this really cheesy CD that I have inside my box. One of the tracks is this song and it's my song for the moment for Ian, my ex....

Never Had A Dream Come True

Everybody's got somethin'

They had to leave behind

One regret from yesterday

That just seems to grow with time
There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'

How it could be now or might have been

Oh this I know but still I can't find ways

To let you go

Chorus:

I never had a dream come true

Till the day that I found you

Even though I pretend that I've moved on

You'll always be my baby I never found the words to say

You're the one I think about each day

And I know no matter

Where life takes me to

A part of me will always be with you,ooooh yea
Somewhere in my memory

I've lost all sense of time

And tomorrow can never be

'Cuz yesterday is all that fills my mind

There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'

How it should be now or might have been

Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

Repeat Chorus

You'll always be the dream

That fills my head,

Yes you will, say you will, you know youwill

Oh baby

You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget

There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'

B'cuz love is a strange and funny thing

No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no!!

Oh well leting go is really hard....

kaleidescope

2005-02-01T22:30:00.000-08:00

Right now, my mind is in a haze. I am having my midterm exams this week and I feel like in any minute, my soul will get out of my body. I am just so tired! Anyway, some thoughts... I'm thinking, maybe Jaycee is right with what he wrote at his testimonial, maybe I am like Ally McBeal. Ally is a highly delusional person. I am kinda like that. She has these really weird halluccinations (I dunno if I spelled it correctly), like she shrinks in an office chair, sometimes I also feel that way. Ally has dated a gazillion of men, just to find "The One", well, I haven't dated that much, but I am also in the kinda in the search of my "The One". Like Ally, she found Billy and lost him. Billy is the love of her life, I found the love of my life, been with him for two and a half years and lost him. Ally has a very weird life, but I admire her for her strength to move on and go on with her life, to accept new challenges. I wish I could just be like her. To move on and be strong when the going gets tough. I am at the office right now, just had an interview with Mia Posadas of HR regarding the ATP. I feel awful, the interview was really okay, but the thing is, I do have a written warning and she'll check if that already slid back, if not, I can not be transferred. I mean, what the fuck! So what if I do have a warning, if I could perform the job well at Cendant? I really hate this and really, after my midterms, I will look for another job and file for a resignation!

atp!

2005-01-29T01:23:00.000-08:00

god, i really wish i could be transferred to another account. really really wish. i have been thinking of filing LOA for school, i am really tired. eversince i graduated from college, i only had one month's vacation then i was off to law school. now, law school and work. bolts on my head are starting to loosen up. i sometimes wish that i'll be contented in being a rep or if i would get out of this call center trend, a regular employee. i wish that sometimes, everything would be enough. but i know that that should not be the case. i know that being an employee forever is not for me. if only i have two bodies so the brainy des could go to school and ace all the exams and recitations and the crazy des would go to work at night and be an answering machine. oh well, life is like this, can't have evrything! just had my midterms at criminal law this morning and i know that i failed, i really know that i did because i was not able to study last night, nikki, jaycee and i met up.que sera sera....

i hate my life

2005-01-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

i so totally, extremely HATE MY LIFE!

my song as for the moment....

2005-01-23T14:42:00.000-08:00

I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)

I hear you're taking the town again
havin' a good time with all your good time friends
i don't think that you think of meyou're on your own now, and i'm alone and free
i know that i should get on with my life
but a life lived without you could never be right

chorus:
as long as the stars shine down from the heavens
long as the rivers run to the sea
i'll never get over you gettin' over me
i try to smile so the hurt won't show
tell everybody i was glad to see you go
but the tears just won't go away
loneliness found me, looks like it's here to stay
i know that i oughta find someone newbut all i find is myself always thinkin' of you

chorus

oh, no matter what i dospending a lifetime to live through
i can't go on like thisi need your touch
you're the only one i've ever loved

chorus

i'll never get over you gettin' over
i'll never get over you gettin' over me

cycle

2005-01-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

I'm back... Was out of town for a week that's why I was not able to update
my blog. Wories, worries.. worries.. and a lot of heartache. So here's my
deal. Last Saturday, I had a great time with my boyfriend, we were together
form Saturday until Sunday afternoon. He was an hour late for our meet up and I was really furious, but when he arrived, he was sporting this black Nike shirt and Old Navy army green pants and his Adidas sneaks and he was WOW! So, after dinner, we had the usual great time. Sunday morning, after breakfast, we went to the church and heard a mass, we had lunch, then we parted ways. I was really exhausted coz I only had a few hours of sleep on Saturday. Then I went to work. I do really appreciate his efforts, I mean,
Pampanga is not as far as North Pole but it is till not within Manila, but
he still goes to Manila to see me. As for the phone calls, he regularly
calls me ... long distance, everyday! Beat that! 100 points for effort. Not
much worries about the relationship, I still do get paranoid over the
thought that I might be pregnant, but, whatever. It really hurts me alot. I don't know why. Is it the idea that he's already over me after 2 and a half years of being in a relationship and for being
bestfriends since 2nd year college? I so regret the day that I fell in
love, I regret the day that I broke up with him. Maybe I should really
start living my life just for myself alone and find happiness on my own.
What he always tell me is that you do not base your happiness on people or
things. Yeah, I agree, but I also belive that people and things can be
sources of your happiness. What I am thankful right now is that I have lots
of absolutely wonderful friends, to name a few....

Leah... my high school bestfriend and my bestfriend forever. She's been
with me through thick and thin (literally and figuratively =)), with me
when I am losing my head over a guy and will be with me after I lost
everything.
Alfie... my highschool friend, the only person that I talk to over the
phone for 2 hours and still we can talk for 2 more hours. Helped me so much
looking for pills and for dealing with my deepest secret... har har har!
Ron... my highschool bestfriend, who would call me the minute I tell him to
call me, would give me tons of advice regarding guys.
Nikki... I love this girl! Bitchy, sensible, nice, the works! Never thought
I would get along with him. We had so much in common and too much
difference. He doesn't get tired (or so I think) of me whining and
complaining over life being so unfair to us pretty people.
Jaycee... my boombox. Whenever I am with him, long forgotten songs would
come up. Jaycee has this secret sweetness and thoughtfulness in him, he's
such a sweet, kind guy, or gay.
Roland... one word... GOOFBALL! Would always brighten up my day with his
jokes.
Dianne... my ultimate kikay friend! We also talk about people and how
incapacitated or ugly they are... bad! She is so thoughtful and sweet and
would be there whenever I need someone to talk to.
Chad... still a friend despite his eccentricities.
Minen... one word... TARAY!

There are a lot of people who makes me life complete everyday, they may be
good or bring me grief, but they are just big ingredients of my so called
survival in this weird cycle known as life.

song...

2005-01-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

I really like this song...

As Long As It Matters
Gin Blossoms

How can I find something
That two can take
Without stumbling as wewalk into our future’s wake
I’m like a broken record
That you can play
Repeating as if it matters
Everything I want to say
I’ll be all righ
tAs long as it matters
As long as you’re here with me now
Forget that time
It’s nothing we touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on meI’m looking around
There’s nothing that I could want
More than to tell you
There’s no more than we’ve already got
I’ll be all rightAs long as it matters
As long as you’re here with me now...
Forget that our time is almost up I’ll be all right...

i am a CERTIFIED STUPID PERSON

2005-01-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

I am a certified stupid bitch. I am and I'm kinda giving people the right to think and call me stupid. The reason? Here it goes: Last week, Rommel called me, we're going to meet on Saturday, we talked about the usual stuff that we talk about. Then he said that he's going to tell me something and that he's hoping that I won't be mad about that. So, I said, sure, bring it on. Well, what he said is definitely a hellraiser. He said that he is still having ONS (one night stand for brevity). That, made me cry. Like, sure I know that he's into that kind of thing (1 pt. for stupidity) and when he asked me if I was disappointed, I said no because I kinda expected it. But you know, when you are expecting something and yet you don't expect that it will happen (2 pts.). He did it with 3 girls, in seperate occassions of course (and I hope so). The 2 other girls didn't hit me much coz they are unknown people, but the other one, that would be Claire, it hit me so bad. Claire is this one of a kind evil-irritating-I-would-wring-her-neck-off wanton le prostitut who's been hitting on him in their office. They did it 3 times, he said that he's just really drunk. One time is okay, fine, you were drunk, but what about the two other instances? (3 pts.) Claire is kinda pretty, I just don't know what her problem is nailing other girls' bf. I was so shocked, my eyes looked like frogs' eyes from crying and I was not able to go to school as well. He is asking me to decide, if I would still accept him or would just let him go. Honestly, I was torn between letting go of him and just make him stay. (4 pts. for stupidity) I know that I should let him go because that is the right thing to do. He cheated on me, and letting go of him would be the most logical thing for me to do. It would save me from further heartache.But I think, I should give him a chance. (5 pts.) He said that he'll really try his best to stop this thing and that he is also fed up with this kind of thing (having ONS). Because I don't know what to do. I called up friends to get their point of view. I called up Nikki, Leah, Karen, Dianne and Gracie. I know that the decision ultimately lies on my hands but at least I get the say of important people around me. Most of them say that I should dump him (well, Nikki says so!). But I think I should give him a chance. (6 pts.) I am a big believer of chances. Maybe one of the reasons why I am cool with giving him a chance is that I am hoping that I could change him and I am wishing that he would change. I totally love him, really. Like, I wouldn't bear infidelity and philandering if I do not. (7 pts.) He's such a very nice and sweet guy. I know that what I am doing would break up my heart ecventually, but I am not yet ready to let go of him. I do not want to have what-if's. Like, what-if I let go of him and then he changed? Stuff like that. So I said that I'll let him stay he thanked me, but I told him that it would be subject to some conditions, one of which is for him not to do that again, or at least try not to. I have to let go, I know that I should do that as soon possible, but a big part of me can not let go. I love him that much, or of course I am just plainly and simply stupid. So Saturday came and we spent time together and we really had a blast. But of course, the ghost of him having other girls looms while we were together. I enjoyed our Saturday and Sunday so much and I really felt that he is sincere and that he loves me. I appreciate his effort, like him going to Manila from Pampanga every now and then just to be with me, the long distance calls that I receive from him which reaches up 2 hours, or the sweet little things that he does. A playboy wouldn't do that. I mean go to Manila to spend time with me or have really costly phone bills to talk to me. I just don't know. I just hope that whatever may happen, the result will be okay or otherwise, I'll be okay with the result.

how i feel today....

2005-01-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

"Goodbye To You"Michelle Branch
Of all the things I've believed inI just want to get it over withTears form behind my eyesBut I do not cryCounting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soulWords that I'm hearing are starting to get oldIt feels like I'm starting all over againThe last three years were just pretendAnd I said,
[Chorus:]Goodbye to youGoodbye to everything that I knewYou were the one I lovedThe one thing that I tried to hold on to The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyesAnd it seems that I can't live a day without youClosing my eyes and you chase my thoughts awayTo a place where I am blinded by the lightBut it's not right
[Chorus]
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same timeI want what's yours and I want what's mineI want youBut I'm not giving in this time
[Chorus x2]
And when the stars fallI will lie awakeYou're my shooting star

beautiful ones...

2005-01-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

I named this entry Beautiful Ones because I just remember this pretty song from Suede which has the same title which became really popular when I was in high school, wala lang, pang-chika lang. So, by the way, it is now official, I am not pregnant! My boyfriend and I talked about it and he said that if I am pregnant, of course we will get married. It's kinda exciting, when I thought that I am pregnant. Thank God I am not, because I don't know I am ready for that. And also the reason why I wanna know if I am indeed pregnant is that during that time that I think I am, I am taking some really heavy medicines and if I am pregnant, the baby might be affected. Moving on, I know that it is so stupid of me to do this, but this week, I went out with my ex. Just a friendly dinner. There's this place at Megamall called LemonGrass and he said that the food right there is so cool! When we were walking towards that place, that freaking b*tch called him on the phone. It so irritated me. Hello! Moment namin yun! Geez! I am so pissed off that I did not eat dinner. I realized that I am over him if I don't see him, but when we are together, I just wanna die. I know, this one is already a dent out of my new year's resolution but i could not resist spending time with him. I am really not over him, I don't know if I'll ever will be. It sucks, it reaks and it hurts big time. But I can't do anything about it, this is over, this has to be over. It really hurts a lot but I can not do a thing about him. It seems that he already moved on and that he is happy with his life, which is okay with me. So lesson learned the painful way: do not go out with your ex, ever. It's just so sad because before we became lovers we are super super bestfriends and now, I don't know what our status is. I told him about that and he sid that I am asking too much of him, we can't easily turn on our bestfriend mode after the break up. But I was thinking, why not? If he claims that we have a really strong foundation as friends, why can't be remain as such? And that freaking monster named Vanessa! Argh! I despise her! Totally, such a monster! Okay, I am okay, and this feeling will be over soon, I just need to not see him and talk to him as much as possible.

new year's thingymajiggy

2005-01-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

I know it's kinda late to make posts regarding new year, but it's only now that I have time to do this thing. So, new year's resolutions are so outdated, but just for kicks, I'll post mine right here...

2005 New Year's Resolution

would always go to work (yeah right!)
would save up (at least 100 bucks per day)
study! study! study! (as if i'm not going nuts over studying!)
keep a positive outlook in life (like if you broke up with your boyfriend, don't wallow, someone will come around)
LOVE MYSELF a little bit more
would be more responsible person
DIET DIET DIET DIET DIET DIET DIET and bring back my old figure
wouldn't be a fool for love anymore
think: Atty. Katrina Legarda, Atty. Arlene Maneja, Atty. Lucille Sering
cut off stress
would be more health concious
would learn to accept people for who they are

I know that New Year's resolutions sometimes can not be fulfilled, I have this feeling that I can do it, well, kinda!

new nyear....

2005-01-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

The title is not due to a typo error. I just remembered how my brother used to pronounce New Year sa such when we were younger. Used to think that my bro's kabululan is really cute, until now, he pronounces "gusto" as "dusto" to think that he is already 20 years old. Anyway, updates... Well it is already 2005 and I gotta say that 2004 is both a really kickass and badass year for me. I was able to get a high paying job, vampiric naman. Was able to successfully send myself to law school, amidst all the struggles. I was able to help my family with the expenses at the house. I had the most wonderful time with the love of my life because our relationship became really intense and serious, come September, I lost the love of my life. Some of my friends forgot me, but I met way cooler ones... (Nikki, Dianne, Jaycee, Dandy, Geline, Roland, Chad, to name a few) I was able to buy stuff that I want, like my Adidas Adiprene that I was able to get when I had my P12thou salary on the 15th of April because of my OTRD during the Holy Week and my latest purchase would be my new phone, a Sony Ericsson z600 which is a product of my 13th month pay. Like what I said, I lost the love of my life, but I gained another one, with a disclaimer of course. I also kinda losing my bestfriend from college, but me and my high school bestfriend are renewing our bestfriend vows so to speak. The things that happened to me last year would contribute a lot to who I will be this year. I would like to be a better person, to be a stronger person.

how sucky is sucky....

2004-12-29T15:24:00.000-08:00

Dec. 24th-26th
A lot of things happened to me, mostly sucky things.
Things that I totally hate. So let's start with
Christmas. It was okay despite me not giving a Christmas
gift to a single soul because I lost money. Honestly I
didn't feel the spirit of Christmas maybe because I am
already 22 years old and my Santa already rendered his
resignation or is it because I am already old and the
spirit of Christmas might be a ghost now. Anyway, few
days before Christmas, my boyfriend did a MIA on me. It
really did irritate me coz I think that he is basically
doing in call center language, a No-Call, No-Show. (duh!)
On the 24th, finally, he called me, he said that his
phone is busted. Well, yeah, right. It was mixed with wet
handtowel so it went crazy, he just borrowed his mom's
phone that is why he can only text me or call me on
during the night. OKay, yeah, half of me believes him,
half does not. Also he should meet my folks on the 26th,
but he backed out, saying that he is not yet ready to
meet my parents, so okay. I felt awful, since WE already
planned that day. Well, what can I do? I don't wanna drag
him to our house and as if I want to do that anyway! So
back to the him going MIA, he was still able to contact
me until the 28th which is still kinda okay, well it is
okay. Came 26th, I am not wallowing or moping, it's okay,
fine, if you can't go, then don't go. But it still made
me sad, but I can't do anything about that either. So on
the 26th, I just made myself busy with studying and all
other stuff, watched gazillion of cable movies, played
with my cousins, well, stuff.
Dec.27th
Badly needed to talk to my bestfriend, the other one
(there's a story later on about my college bestfriend),
that would be Leah. She's my bestfriend from way back in
2nd year high school, so that would make us...
bestfriends for 8 years now. She knows a great deal about
my boyfriend and I am so glad about it. Well, she knows a
lot about me! We were supposed to meet at 4pm, but of
course, that was moved to 8pm! Since the original plan
would go to Greenhills, but that's already 8pm, we just
decided to one of Q.C.'s gimik central, Tomas Morato. We
went to Starbuck's, but it was jampacked so we just
decided to go to Seattle's Best. We talked about what's
going on with our lives,but mostly, about my life. Well,
Rommel (my boyfriend) was able to call and text me that
night, so that's a yahoo night. I told Leah about my
worries, like me being paranoid because I thik that I am
pregnant. Well, i don't feel like I am, but I just think
that I am pregnant. Also, Leah and I talked about how
guys can do it, I mean we think that they are first
cousins with Harry Houdini, they are so damn good with
disappearing acts.Before going home,there was a shootout
at the nearby bar, well, it's just because of a conflict
about the parking lot. Because of that, I got home at
around 12midnight. It was cool, I actually missed my
bestfriend, it's been so long since we last saw each
other. It's nice to know that even if our houses are far
from each other and that we haven't seen each other for
such a long time, we are still the same person. The same
bestfriends.

just so sucky!

2004-12-22T02:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it is Christmas and this is my worst Christmas ever. Kinda my fault and my own stupidity. I was on the LRT (the one in QC) going home from a date. I put my 3 grand on the inside pocket of my bag coz I am super sure that outlaws are everywhere right now. When I went off, lo and behold, my 3 grand vanished into the thin air. All was left to me is 500 bucks which is on my wallet. I am so furious! That would be my Christmas shopping money! Now, I don't have a single gift to give, to think that this is the first Christmas that I do have a job! It really reaks! One bad thing, I was declined by Citibank with my credit card application, isn't this just so wonderful? At least my Z600 is still with me, my Christmas gift to myself, the product of 10 months labor at that hell also known as PS. I just hope that I would be accepted at Etel as an HR associate so that I could get my butt off at this hellmouth. I just feel ultimately sad.... One good thing? I have my piece of heaven.... =)

kinda kewl....

2004-12-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

My brother forwarded this message to me, it's kinda cool and deep:

the spoils of precious time, i smoke away
but not the moments to think of you,
a lullabye is not enough, to sooth internal swells,
the valleys in my head i dared not to thread,
so much for you, i'm changing my points of view,
thanks to you, you're hand replaced a piece,
thanks to you, i'll be laying still,
smoking the fears away.

Happy.....

2004-12-20T09:41:00.000-08:00

I've been through hell and back. And now, I think I deserve to be in heaven or just have a piece of it. Last Saturday and Sunday, filed a leave for a major date, a two-day date. Well, one night and two days... he he he... Had absolutely so much fun. A total break from work and school. And of course, woderful quality time spent with my boyfriend. He's such a sweetie. I met him in a most unexpected way, had tons of doubts bout him and bout my feelings, tried to protect myself from being hurt for the nth time, but geez! I am so glad that I took the risk. He's everything I want: older than I am (he's 26, I'm 22), an civil engineer, a real nice guy, very funny and affectionate, very independent (unlike my past relationship, which is the reason of the break-up by the way), a cutie, almost everything that I could ask for. DISCLAIMER: This is a long distance relationship, which is kinda hard. He is based at Pampanga where he works for DPWH. God, our phone bills are so high! We even bought a Sun sim to minimize the phone bills. But it is still hard, you know, when you love someone so much and you're apart from each other... but the good thing is, come 2005, he'll move back to Manila so we can be together whenever we want to see each other. He even wants me to move to another house where I am the only one who is living right there so we can spend time together and he could clean the house and cook for me... sweet 'no? He is never insecure, unlike other guys. Like, for instance, other guys would be insecure if the girl has a better job or more intelligent, but with him, no way! He wants me to finish my law degree and become a lawyer. And it is kinda refreshing because unlike my previous relationship where we talk about laws and cases, my boyfriend and I now talk about buildings and roads and other stuff which is great! I just hope that this relationship would turn out well...

dysfunctional people

2004-12-15T09:13:00.000-08:00

This workplace sucks. After being transferred to another team, I really lost interest in going to work. This team has a lot of dysfunctional crazy people. I mean, there are a lot of nice people right here, but then again, there are more annoying people. It's final... I would render my resignaton next year.

studies.......

2004-12-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

My head throbs... Lack of sleep of course. A lot of people are saying that I am completely killing myself. Studying full time and working full time. Four hours of sleep a day. I'm kinda pretty amazed coz I can still go out with friends to watch movies or eat out. I actually have a lovelife! But that's another topic... It's just that I don't wanna be just an employee. I mean heck, I do respect those who are employed right now, but I've also seen and know lots of people who are employees, got kicked out of the company and now, they're old, no more job opportunities. A professor once said that if you were able to graduate from the hellmouth and you are still not in a stable relationship, chances are, you will not get married. Guys will be intimidated, they will be inferior and you will die rich, popular, intelligent and alone.... sad.... sad.... sad....But I hope that all the efforts that I am exerting right now will pay off in the future.

Letting GO....

2004-12-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

Have I let go already? I don't know. If you meet somebody and you let that somebody come into your life and you are happy, and everything feels great and perfect but you know that you are still not okay with your prior relationship, is that considered as letting go? This might be a rebound relationship, but rebound relationships does not have any feelings involved. But what if you are slowly but surely falling? You tried not to, but wham! It just happened, no matter how much you tried not to, no matter what you did to prevent it from happening. I think I already have let go. I am not so sure, but I think I am. Should I let go of him right now? It is just nearly 3 months since we broke up! I am such a bitch because I think I was already able to let go of him! Or was I really able to let go of him already? I am not exactly sure if I am just using this new guy to lighten up my feelings, to just divert my attention. I have stopped crying over my past relationship, I don't miss him that much anymore, I don't wallow anymore. I am happy right now. I don't know if it is correct, if I am being fair to my past guy. But one thing is for sure... I am happy and I think I deserve it. And I will enjoy it while it is here.

Forget

2004-11-20T10:27:00.000-08:00

"Don't think of him.... don't think of him... don't think of him!" Lately, this has been my mantra
everytime I wake up. It's just so amusing how our brain can hold so much information, things we learn school, everyday experiences, even the smell of somebody that we met at the jeepney... eeew! These are somememories that are minds involuntarily keep. Memories... they stick in our brains. The problem is, what if we want to forget something? Some good memories that some normal, happy, not-broken-hearted-people would like to remember forever. A person whom nobody would want to forget but you choose to because being reminded of him makes you go crazy, makes you cry and just hate yourself for making bad decisions. I just ended feeling miserable and lonely and so damn foolish of letting go of him. When I wake up, memories are
just like a dam unleashed. My heart races, my brain will combust and depression will eat me out.
Spending some time alone after the break up really sucks, but I think that is needed. I was able to assess my feelings for him. But, do I have to stop loving him? I don't think so. Coz I just end up loving him more, longing for him, wanting to see him and spend time with him. Most of all, wanting to be in a relationship with him once again. But I know that that won't happen again. I made a huge mistake of letting go of him and when I realized that I made a mistake, he is gone. We were bestfriends for such a long time. It was a you-and-me-against-the-world relationship. It was so ideal. At first I thought that I can not be friends with him after breaking up, that it should be black or white, no gray area in between. But when we broke up, friendship is okay. I may sound like a very pathetic person, maybe I am, but what can I do? I just love him
that much. All the heartache that I received was being offset by just the sight of him, by the time that we spent together. I can forget about all the troubles that he caused, all those changing plans, all those cancellations for the scheduled dates and that "I'm so sorry but I can't make it.", but the loving, the caring, all those wonderful times that we spent together are tattoed on my mind. It would be easier for me to move on if all I could remember are bad memories, but that is not the case right here. Good memories are rushing on my mind and I can not let go of them. I know that I should let go, but I don't know how. I know that holding on to memories that hurt you is bad, but bad is sometimes good, right? I sometimes wish that there would be potion that I can drink before sleeping so I can forget everything when I wake up, just think that life is so beautiful, lalalala... Or maybe I can get a flower that Willow used when she wanted Tara to forget about their fight, stuff that on my pillow so I can forget about everything. So I can start with my life all over again. But I am also now faced with a huge question: Should I really forget to move on? Or should I accept? I still have to find the answer to this question and one day soon, if I were able to find the answer to this question, I will let you know.

Pathetique

2004-11-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

How many times should a girl be hurt? How many hours should one cry to get over with someone? To stop the hurting? To ease the pain? It is said that time eases pain and if you need to cry, just cry it all out, that everything will be okay after crying it all out. Unfortunately, that is not the case with me. I cried, I wailed and I was so pathetic that my eyes were bulging out of their sockets. I looked like a goldfish for a month and until now, I still feel the pain. I feel so miserable and stupid for letting go of someone that you love so much. Someone that made your world revolve. Someone who always has that smile ready in his face, who will always understand you when deppression eats you. Someone who makes you wake up each morning
with flowers blooming, birds singing and all those stuff that people who are in love see, feel, taste and feel. I had a reason to go to school, I had a reason to save up some money for Christmas, for his birthday, for the monthsaries and anniversaries. But those things are nothing if you are going to compare it to something that I learned. Love exists. And it hurts, a lot. When I fall in love (actually, I am still in love with that person), everything is like a bed of roses. We can do everything because of our love for each other. Waking up really early was never a problem, going home really late is never an isssue, just to spend time together. But, we were
consumed by our love for each other. After a year and a half of almost heaven, we ended up fighting, not those petty, healthy fights but small fights became big. Issues about not spending time were raised (well, I raised them). Questions about who matters most became a huge topic. I felt insecure about his new friends, his friends that can relate more on his hobbies and interests. Friends whom he can go out until midnight or even after midnight but when we go out it's usually until 9pm. I understand that two persons who are in love cannot live on their own, they have to have friends of their own, own social life and stuff like that. But you shouldn't be compromising your own time with your loved one. I always have this question on my mind: Why can you spend time with them and not with me? Of course we do spend time together, we see each other everyday at school, we text and call each other, but it is always different. His mom give him more leeway when he goes out with his friends that with me. When this happens, I really feel absolutely sucky. As if nothing is going right. As if I am just one of the puppets in the string, waiiting to be moved, waiting to be seen and heard. But I an not do anyhting. I absolutely love him. I will do anything for him. But as for now, maybe, I have to spend time on my own, meet new people, maybe go out with another guy and try my luck. Or maybe,
just savor the life of a single (which is not that awesome as of now) and live my life. Just live my life. And also, one really important lesson learned: avoid falling in love with an only child.

Just thinking...

2004-11-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

I am just thinking and when do we start living? Do we start living when our mums give birth to us or when we start to think? Biologically, we start living when we were given to this world, but we don't know that we are alive. Do I make sense? I hope so. Well, maybe I could start living...