Forget

"Don't think of him.... don't think of him... don't think of him!" Lately, this has been my mantra
everytime I wake up. It's just so amusing how our brain can hold so much information, things we learn school, everyday experiences, even the smell of somebody that we met at the jeepney... eeew! These are somememories that are minds involuntarily keep. Memories... they stick in our brains. The problem is, what if we want to forget something? Some good memories that some normal, happy, not-broken-hearted-people would like to remember forever. A person whom nobody would want to forget but you choose to because being reminded of him makes you go crazy, makes you cry and just hate yourself for making bad decisions. I just ended feeling miserable and lonely and so damn foolish of letting go of him. When I wake up, memories are
just like a dam unleashed. My heart races, my brain will combust and depression will eat me out.
Spending some time alone after the break up really sucks, but I think that is needed. I was able to assess my feelings for him. But, do I have to stop loving him? I don't think so. Coz I just end up loving him more, longing for him, wanting to see him and spend time with him. Most of all, wanting to be in a relationship with him once again. But I know that that won't happen again. I made a huge mistake of letting go of him and when I realized that I made a mistake, he is gone. We were bestfriends for such a long time. It was a you-and-me-against-the-world relationship. It was so ideal. At first I thought that I can not be friends with him after breaking up, that it should be black or white, no gray area in between. But when we broke up, friendship is okay. I may sound like a very pathetic person, maybe I am, but what can I do? I just love him
that much. All the heartache that I received was being offset by just the sight of him, by the time that we spent together. I can forget about all the troubles that he caused, all those changing plans, all those cancellations for the scheduled dates and that "I'm so sorry but I can't make it.", but the loving, the caring, all those wonderful times that we spent together are tattoed on my mind. It would be easier for me to move on if all I could remember are bad memories, but that is not the case right here. Good memories are rushing on my mind and I can not let go of them. I know that I should let go, but I don't know how. I know that holding on to memories that hurt you is bad, but bad is sometimes good, right? I sometimes wish that there would be potion that I can drink before sleeping so I can forget everything when I wake up, just think that life is so beautiful, lalalala... Or maybe I can get a flower that Willow used when she wanted Tara to forget about their fight, stuff that on my pillow so I can forget about everything. So I can start with my life all over again. But I am also now faced with a huge question: Should I really forget to move on? Or should I accept? I still have to find the answer to this question and one day soon, if I were able to find the answer to this question, I will let you know.

Pathetique

How many times should a girl be hurt? How many hours should one cry to get over with someone? To stop the hurting? To ease the pain? It is said that time eases pain and if you need to cry, just cry it all out, that everything will be okay after crying it all out. Unfortunately, that is not the case with me. I cried, I wailed and I was so pathetic that my eyes were bulging out of their sockets. I looked like a goldfish for a month and until now, I still feel the pain. I feel so miserable and stupid for letting go of someone that you love so much. Someone that made your world revolve. Someone who always has that smile ready in his face, who will always understand you when deppression eats you. Someone who makes you wake up each morning
with flowers blooming, birds singing and all those stuff that people who are in love see, feel, taste and feel. I had a reason to go to school, I had a reason to save up some money for Christmas, for his birthday, for the monthsaries and anniversaries. But those things are nothing if you are going to compare it to something that I learned. Love exists. And it hurts, a lot. When I fall in love (actually, I am still in love with that person), everything is like a bed of roses. We can do everything because of our love for each other. Waking up really early was never a problem, going home really late is never an isssue, just to spend time together. But, we were
consumed by our love for each other. After a year and a half of almost heaven, we ended up fighting, not those petty, healthy fights but small fights became big. Issues about not spending time were raised (well, I raised them). Questions about who matters most became a huge topic. I felt insecure about his new friends, his friends that can relate more on his hobbies and interests. Friends whom he can go out until midnight or even after midnight but when we go out it's usually until 9pm. I understand that two persons who are in love cannot live on their own, they have to have friends of their own, own social life and stuff like that. But you shouldn't be compromising your own time with your loved one. I always have this question on my mind: Why can you spend time with them and not with me? Of course we do spend time together, we see each other everyday at school, we text and call each other, but it is always different. His mom give him more leeway when he goes out with his friends that with me. When this happens, I really feel absolutely sucky. As if nothing is going right. As if I am just one of the puppets in the string, waiiting to be moved, waiting to be seen and heard. But I an not do anyhting. I absolutely love him. I will do anything for him. But as for now, maybe, I have to spend time on my own, meet new people, maybe go out with another guy and try my luck. Or maybe,
just savor the life of a single (which is not that awesome as of now) and live my life. Just live my life. And also, one really important lesson learned: avoid falling in love with an only child.

Just thinking...

I am just thinking and when do we start living? Do we start living when our mums give birth to us or when we start to think? Biologically, we start living when we were given to this world, but we don't know that we are alive. Do I make sense? I hope so. Well, maybe I could start living...