Maligaya na sila

Marami or lahat sa mga kaibigan ko ay masaya.... BREAK NA KAMI...... sila, masaya, ako? HINDI......

Waiting in Vain

Para kay Rommel to... ayoko ng hintayin ang pagmamahal nya, ayoko ng hintayin na magbago sya... ayoko ng masira ang ulo ko...

I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
Bob Marley

I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
FROM THE VERY FIRST TIME
I BLESSED MY EYES ON YOU GIRL
MY HEART SAYS FOLLOW THROUGH
BUT I KNOW NOW THAT I'M
WAY DOWN ON YOUR LINE
BUT THE WAITING FEEL IS FINE
SO DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A
PUPPET ON A STRING
'CAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DO MY THING
DON'T TALK TO ME AS
IF YOU THINK I'M DUMB
I WANNA KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE GONNA COME
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
'CAUSE SUMMER IS HERE
I'M STILL WAITING THERE
WINTER IS HERE
AND I'M STILL WAITING THERE
solo
LIKE I SAID
ITS BEEN THREE YEARS SINCE I'M
KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR
AND I STILL CAN KNOCK SOME MORE
OH GIRL OH GIRL
IS IT REASONABLE I WANNA KNOW NOW
FOR I TO KNOCK SOME MORE
YOU SEE
IN LIFE I KNOW
THERE'S LOTS OF GRIEF
BUT YOUR LOVE IS MY RELIEF
TEARS IN MY EYES burn
TEARS IN MY EYES burn
WHILE I'M WAITING WHILE
WHILE I'M WAITING FOR MY TURN
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN FOR YOUR LOVE
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA I DON'T WANNA
I DON'T WANNA WAIT IN VAIN
ITS YOUR LOVE THAT I'M WAITING ON
ITS MY LOVE THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM
ITS YOUR LOVE THAT I'M WAITING ON
ITS MY LOVE THAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM

brick....

Pang-emote tong song na to, really like this song!


Brick
Ben Folds Five


6am, day after Christmas.
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold, car seat is freezing.
The world is sleeping, I am numb
Up the stairs, to her apartment, she is balled up on the couch.
Her Mum and Dad went down to Charlotte, they're not home to find us out.
And we drive.
Now that I have found someone,
I'm feeling more alone
Then I ever have before...
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly,
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere.
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly...
They call her name at 7:30,
I pace around the parking lot.
Then I walk down, to buy her flowers, and sell some gifts that I got.
Can't you see, It's not me you're dying for.
Now she's feeling more alone then she ever has before...
Chorus
As weeks went by, it showed that she was not fine.
They told me, "Son it's time to tell the truth".
She broke down, and I broke down, cause I was tired of lying.
Driving home, to her apartment, for the moment, we're alone.
She's alone, I'm alone, Now I know it...
Chorus

five whatevers

I got this from Reich's blog:

FIVE DREAM JOBS~ lawyer... singer... forensic agent... news reporter... housewife (?)

FIVE FILMS I WATCH OVER AND OVER~ Titanic... 50 First Dates... Harry Potter... Lord of the Rings... Red Dragon..

SONGS I CAN LISTEN TO AGAIN AND AGAIN~ You'll Be Safe Here... Bilanggo... KLSP... Halaga... Ulan...

FIVE BOOKS I READ FROM COVER TO COVER ~ Mayfair Witches... Red Dragon... Penal Code of the Philippines... Harry Potter

FIVE REASONS TO WATCH TELEVISION ~ Since I am living alone, TV lang ang kaulayaw ko sa magdamag... It lulls me to sleep... May Game Ka na Ba... Extra Challenge... Will and Grace

FIVE PLACES I WANT TO VISIT~ Egypt... Greece... Paris... U.S... Mallorca, Spain

FIVE BANDS/SINGERS I LIKE~ RiverMaya... Garbage... Parokya ni Edgar... Mike Francis... Madonna

FIVE BEVERAGES ~ ice cold water... tang orange juice... green tea frap... coke... zesto orange

FIVE HOBBIES~ sleeping... watching movies... eating... cooking... thinking of crazy stuff

song ko at sa lahat na naniniwala that they are strong

Strong
Robbie Williams

My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me
DadI've started to dress a bit like him
Early morning when I wake upI look like
Kiss but without the make upAnd that's a good line to take it to
The bridge
And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so beforeI'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song
My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies
Of easy lays
The pause button's broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don't need to know
And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so beforeI'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song
If I did it all again I'd be a nun
The rain was never cold when I was young
I'm still young we're still young
Life's too short to be afraid
Step inside the sunAnd you know and you know
Cos my life's a messAnd I'm trying to grow
And you know and you know

weekend spent in hell

A lot of things happened during the weekend, I mean a lot! Saturday, Rommel went to my house. He was asking me if I do miss him, of course, I said no. Discoveries again... May dala kasing bag si Rommel that day. Ewan ko, talaga atang since naging kami, naging NBI agent ako. At first, I saw this communication radio on his bag together with 2 shirts. Yun yung radio na ginagamit ng mga security guard. Of course, hindi security guard si Rommel. Sa radio, there was this sticker wiht the company's name that he is working for: CONMECH. So, deadma na since dati ko pa nga nalaman that he has a job although ayaw nya talagang aminin. Here's the most painful thing. One of his girls, si Aydz, the one who's working as a caregiver sa Canada and pamangkin ng asawa ng tito nya sent him a greeting card. I took it. Yep, stole it from him. I know, invasion of privacy, theft, I could be sued for that, but the thing is he wouldn't be asking me where the card is since he is keeping it from me. Saka he trusts me a lot. There are 3 pictures enclosed sa card, 1 taken with a baby, 1 sa street sa Canada during winter, the other one was a 2x2 pic pero cutout lang. So here's what the card says:

Dearest Rommel,

Baby, I miss you a lot... wish you were here. I miss everything about you. I do hope na mag-work out ang relationship natin even if we were miles, miles away!

Just want to let you know that I had fun spending time with you. I'll always be here for you.

I cut the other pix coz my belly is out. Masyado yung liberated. It was taken before my vacation dyan sa 'Pinas. I'll send you more next time, ok?

Take care and God bless.

Aydz

At the other flap of the card, here's what's written:

Baby,

... you're in my thoughts- today and always!

I love you.

Baby

It was sent March 3 and he received it March 18 sa address nya sa Pampanga. My intitial reaction was, tangina, galit na galit ako kay Aydz. But after reading the card for a billion of times, napunit ko na nga yung card e, naawa ako sa kanya. I was thinking kasi ako nandito sa Pilipinas, not because Rommel and I can spend and is spending time together, but the thing is at least ako, kahit paano alam ko ang pinaggagagawa ni Rommel. Kasi based from what she wrote, it looks like asang-asa sya na sya lang and loyal sa kanya si Rommel. Goodluck na lang sa kanya! Eh kung ako nga na nandito sa Pilipinas, di pa kaya ni Rommel na magtino, sa kanya pa! At goodluck naman sa akin dahil baby din ang tawagan nila!

Ang sakit-sakit when I was reading the card. I know of her existence pero iba pala talaga ang feeling kapag may substantial evidence in your hands. Ang sabi Rommel sa akin before, gf nya daw si Aydz pero sa text and phone lang. Ha! Should I still believe that? To those who regularly check my blog, you can check her friendster account, search for Aydz Diaz and tell me what you think.

That was just an ordinary Saturday, pero super ramdam nya na talaga na I am starting to be cold to him, na napupuno na ako. He was extra sweet and caring. We also had a really serious conversation, one of the very few that we had. Here's our convo:

Rommel: 'be, thank you sa lahat ng ginagawa mo for me ha?

Des: Ok lang....

Rommel: Baka naman dumating yung time na isumbat mo sa akin lahat.

Des: Bakit ko naman isusumbat eh hindi naman ako ganun.

Rommel: Eh ano namang kapalit ng lahat ng yan?

Des: Hindi mo naman kayang ibigay ang gusto ko. Hindi mo naman kayang maging loyal sa akin eh. I just want you to be honest.

Rommel: Panong honest?

Des: Like if I ask you something, tell me the truth, just say yes or no.

Actually, may leeway pa nga eh. If magsisinungaling sya, just say yes or no. Don't make up any stories. Alam ko tanga ako pero hindi ako bobo. Nagyaya ngapala syang uminom eh I don't drink beer, so Gilbey's and orange juice kami. Eh hindi pala sya umiinom non. Dahil sa sama ng loob ko, ayun, nagpaka-lango ako sa alak, half of the big pitcher, naubos ko. Kaya eto, my body is full of rashes na naman!

Sunday morning, he is asking me to prepare breakfast, sabi ko baba na lang sya, sya na magluto. He said bakit ganun daw, di ko na sya inaasikaso. I told him that that would be the last day that we're gonna be together. Ayaw nyang pumayag, he said that he will be back next week. I asked him, what if I break up with him. Here's what he said:

Rommel: Syempre, iisipin ko kung anong nagawa ko sa yo (Good luck! Di mo pa din alam?), pag di mo na kasi ako pinapunta dito, pag wala ka, as if I'm missing a body part. Ayokong mawala ka sa akin.

During breakfast, I was fishing for some information. Here's the conversation:

Des: Kelan mo ba ko ile-let go? Ayoko kasi na ako ang magle-let go sa yo eh... (of course, I asked this to just fish for info)

Rommel: Naku, matagal pa yun.

Des: O?

Rommel: Kapag nag-asawa na ako, kasi ayaw mo naman na habang may asawa ako tayo pa din. Ayaw mo namang maging abay sa kasal ko. Pero ang pagiging ninang ng anak ko, yun ang di mo pwedeng tanggihan.

Tangina! Isama mo naman sana ako sa mga pangarap mo! Di ko alam if I wrote here na we were able to get a bulldog from an old classmate of mine. Sabi ko pag nabigay ko na sa kanya yun, we're over. That was supposed to be delivered Sunday morning, pero unfortunately the dog died. Ayun, depress-depressan sya ngayon, brat kasi yun, when you say something that you would do, you should do it.

That's what happened sa weekend ko. Kami pa din ba? Oo siguro. The reason why I couldn't let go of him yet is gusto ko talaga yung wala na akong feelings for him, para wala ng what if's, yung before kami maghiwalay, naka-move on na ako. Para di na ako iiyak. Because of him, mahihirapan na akong magtiwala at magmahal ulit.

song ko ngayon...

finally... di ko talaga mahanap sa internet ang lyrics ng bilanggo, so since may cd nun yung bestfriend ko, pinagtyagaan ko talagang isulat ang lyrics. here it goes...

Bilanggo

Rizal Underground

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Hanggang kailan pa ba magdaramdam

hanggang kailan pa ba masasaktan

Pag-isip sa yo, maging sa ganito at ganyan

Hanggang kailan pa ba maghihintay

Hindi ka ba nagsasawa Inday

Ang damdamin ko, kahit ganito katamlay

Tunay 'to 'bay

Bilanggo sa rehas na gawa ng uso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Patay sindi sa init at lamig

Maging ang patalim madadaig

Galos sa dibdib tattoo ng yong mukha sa balat

Nakailang ulit na hiwalay

Hindi pa rin matutong sumabay

Ang damdamin ko

Kahit ganito katamlay

Saka ng babay

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Bilanggo, sa rehas na gawa ng puso mo

Bilanggo sa gapos na gawa ng pag-isip sa yo

Bilanggo.... Bilanggo... Bilanggo....

wala pa ding kwenta

i'm here at a computer rental sa may school. obviously, la pa ding trabaho kaya naglalamyerda pa din. inuman madalas kasama ang mga barkada. i received emails from the companies that i am applying for, kaya fully booked ako next week. sana naman di na puro interview lang, hopefully, i'll be signing a contract. tangina, bad trip ang buhay ko ngayon. excommunicated ako, my whole family is mad at me right now. akala kasi nila 1) i resigned sa PS out of whim 2) kaya ako hindi nakakapag-contribute sa house is because sinusustentuhan ko si rommel 3) they think na nakiki-pag live in ako kay rommel. bull crap lahat di ba? first of all, nag-resign ako sa PS kais i have very sound reasons, pero before i resigned, may back upo na na work. secone, pano ako makakapag-contribute sa expenses e la nga akong work at binubuhay lang ako ng mga brod ko sa frat ngayon? that is also the explanation kung bakit hindi ko sinusustentuhan si rommel at never will that happen. lastly, pano ako makikipag-live in sa isang gagong lalake? na baka minsan, pag-uwi ko sa bahay, baka may iba ng babae sa kwarto ko?

i am just so thankful for my friends, grabe! malas man ako sa career, sa family, sa lovelife, pero i always have my friends with me. sabi ni reich, i should kick rommel out of my system, yes friend, that will soon happen. eventually. i just want to make sure na kaya ko ng hiwalayan sya. kasi for me pag hiwalay, hiwalay na talaga. ayoko pa nung magkakabalikan pa kami, ayoko na ng nakipag-break ako tapos mamya, iiyak-iyak lang din ako. when it's over, it is really over with me.

may development naman. here are some of our conversations over the phone:

rommel: hi be...
des: hmmmm.... bakit?
rommel: miss mo ko? (tangina, pa-cute!)
des: eh bakit kita mami-miss (snickerimg..)
rommel: hindi nga?
des: tangina, hindi nga!

before, pag pupunta sya sa bahay pag saturday, gusto ko, friday pa lang nasa-bahay na sya. here's another phone convo, thursday night, which is kahapon pala:

rommel: be gusto mo bukas andyan na ko?
des: bahala ka...
rommel: di mo ba ko nami-miss?
des: tangina, hindi nga! sa saturday might, may inuman ang frat, sama ka.
rommel: wag na, sa bahay na lang tayo
des: e bakit dati pumayag ka na? bahala ka, basta aalis ako sa gabi
rommel: bakit ba? mas gusto mo pang makasama barkada mo?
des: talaga! bakit mo ba ayaw sumama?
rommel: baka ipabugbog mo ko, nararamdaman ko, napupuno ka na.
des: buti alam mo.

at least, ngayon, i let him feel that i am already fed up. malapit nang mag-end ang rommel chronicles....

testi

yung bestfriend kong si leah, ginawan ako ng testi, lyrics ng halaga ng parokya. napaka-fitting daw kasi sa katangahan ko. god, i am so thankful that i have a bestfriend like leah, 10 years na kami nyan! pag umiiyak ako, syempre about rommel, di ako tinitignan nyan, di daw kasi ako yun. kasi strong ako parati, pag nasasaktan ako, mas masakit daw sa kanya... hayyy.... eto lyrics ng halaga, namnamin... di ko kasi mahanap lyrics ng bilanggo ng rizal underground, yun kasi ang song for the moment ko...

Umiiyak ka na naman Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam Namumugtong mga mata Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa Sa problema na iyong pinapasan Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihanMay kwento kang pandrama na namanParang pang TV na walang katapusan Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyanHindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahanAng pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka Chorus:Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasamaIilang ulit palang kitang makitang masayaNaiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nyaSiguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyongTunay na halaga

wala pa din....

wala pa ding nangyayari sa buhay ko, la pa ding work and everyday, nasusuklam na sa mga lalake. di na ko naniniwala sa fidelity (sa case ng mga lalake), well, i saw 5o first dates, i totally doubt that there is still a guy such as henry roth. eh kung lahat nga ng bodily functions ng babae e working 200%, si pa din kuntento yung guys, eh ganun pang may short term memory loss? eh di nagpyesta na ang boyfriend nun! bad trip nga pala ako sa meralco, my electric bill has gone up from P285.00 to P800.00! or baka may nakakakabit na jumper... that is yet to be discovered. leah went home na, nakakalungkot sa bahay, mag-isa lang ako. tangina, la na ngang pera, al pang work... or la kasin work kaya lang pera...haaaaayyyy.... sana grade 6 na lang ako ulit or high school para di ako namomoblema ng ganto....

tattoo...

gusto ko na talagang magpa-tattoo. wala lang, lifetime dream ko lang. siguro para lang lumabas ang lahat ng agst sa katawan ko. nakapagpa-color na ko ngt hair (red), maayos na din ang kilay ko ngayon. tatoo na lang, mga tatlo. isa sa chest, isa sa may likod, isa sa lower back. angas.

so this is life

hay naku, i'm totally in a wreck right now. like what was written on my previous blog, i am jobless. before leaving ps, i already passed eperformax and was scheduled for the training. i was hired as a verifier for gues what? EXPERIAN! well the job is pretty easy because we would just need to verify some info and stuff, plus for a change it is an outbound account. so there, kahit reyna ng katamaran e i went through 1 week of diction, intonation and enunciation training and i learned a lot, honestly. i aced the exams and voice recordings, came friday i didn't passed daw! FUCKER di ba? my batchmates are crying, so ironic kasi i remained cool. tangina, wala akong work! my batchmate was in the room when the american client came in, she heard that my trainer was forced to drop me off the list because... i came from experian! tangina, wouldn't that be an advantage? and it dawned to me that maybe is it because i know too much about the company. tangina di ba? bad trip talaga. fine, i don't care about the time that i spent kai keri lang, i enjoyed naman kasi my batchmates are so fun to be with and i learned a lot! pero the money that i spent during the training... bummer talaga!

anyway, about rommel, i'll be leaving him... soon! kasi here's what happened... he was at my house april 2. so his pants is at the other room, i was fixing it and his cellphone dropped off from the pocket. the last time that i checked his phone, naka-insert yung globe nya na sim and naka-sim lock yun, but this time yung sun ang gamit nya. so i was able to check out his phone. sa sent messages, i read this: (1st message) i miss you baby, i love you so much (2nd message) yah, luwas ako pero uwi din ako bukas, both were sent april 1. and putcha, those were not sent to me! i saved the number sa cell ko. his money were all scattered so i put them all in his wallet only to find out that on march 22 he pawned his ring at sampaloc! march 20 we were together and he said pauwi na sya ng pampanga! so what kind of a stupid person na sa sampaloc pa magsasangla... meaning nasa manila lang talaga sya. one more thing... he said that he still doesn't have a job. but when i fixed his bag, there is this letter that says... Engr. Aguirre, please make a bid for the following construction materials... dated April 1, 2005. FUCKER! di lang sya nasa manila, he has a job as well.

that night, i can not bear the fact that i am sleeping beside him, di ko na talaga maatim na he's hugging me while we were sleeping. usually, pag sunday, he goes home at around 5 pm, pero he said that he'll be going home early, around 8 am. dati pag uwi na sya, away na to, pinipilit kong wag na syang umuwi. but that sunday, i woke up at 6am, prepared na ang breakfast and didn't ask him when he will be coming back. that time, i only ate 1 piece of bread and coffee and yun lang ang kinain ko the whole sunday. and everything dawned to me. i'm always up for the effort that he is exerting, pero wala na lahat. meaningless na. dati plus factor that he calls me sa landline about 5 times a day considering that he's at "pampanga", pero la na sa kin yun. yung message pala, he sent that to aydz, yung isang girl nya na nasa canada. and lahat talaga ng aweet stuff that he does to me, la ng meaning, kasi naisip ko, ginagawa naman din nya yun sa iba e. that night, our dinner is tilapia nd pinaghihimay nya ko sa plate ko, wala ng kilig feeling, naiinis na lang ako. i cried so much, nakakainis kasi why does he have to lie to me? i mean i'll be happy that he already has a job, plus if nasa manila sya di naman ako mag-dedemand na magkita kami everyday!

bad trip kasi tanga na nga ako, lalo nya pa kong ginagawang tanga. my bestfriend stayed over my house for a the whole week, until now pala to share my pain and i really appreciate that. monday, just to confirm, i called their house at pampanga. i was able to talk to his mom, sabi ng mom nya lumuwas na daw ng manila that morning. i asked if may job na sya, she said yes. tangina talaga. i confronted him about this and he said that no, he's at pampanga and la pa din syang work, yeah, go on, convince me.

so why am i still holding on? i would be breaking up with him, pero di ko dapat biglain. dapat dahan dahan lang kasi magkakaron ako ng withdrawal syndrome, just like what happned to me and ia. what i am doing right now is lesser text messages , walang ganang kausap and cold shoulder, pansin nya nga yun e. sabi nya di nya daw akong kayang hiwalayan, maalaga daw kasi ako. whatever. i'll do it, slowly, but surely.

dami ko pang kwento, next post na lang.................

twisted life...

wala... jobless, loveless. tangina, nothing seems to be going right with my life. i promise, i'll write a more extensive entry next time, lack of time lang kasi, basta to sum it all, my life is in a garbage bin right now... reich... contact info... cel. no. 09165653129, landline, 6578354.